In the fall of 1986, Carol Lynn Pearson, renowned Latter-day Saint poet, playwright and popular speaker, was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, People magazine and “Good Morning America.”

Pearson, a fourth-generation member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who grew up in Utah and now lives in California, kept national audiences riveted with her story of falling in love with Gerald Pearson, having children with him, letting him go to live as a gay man, and welcoming him back to care for him as he died of AIDS.

Her book “Goodbye, I Love You” opened a national and religious conversation about the then-taboo topic.

The 86-year-old Pearson explores this episode in her recently published memoir, “The Diaries of Carol Lynn Pearson: Volume 1.” The “Mormon author, feminist and activist,” as she describes herself, began keeping a nearly daily diary when she was a senior at Brigham Young High School in 1956 — and she never stopped. The first volume reads like a chronicle of Mormonism’s intellectual history from the 1960s through the 1980s.

Pearson documents the battles over civil rights and the Equal Rights Amendment, as well as the issues of patriarchy and polygamy. As a lively storyteller, she recounts conversations with top Latter-day Saint leaders, including Dallin Oaks, whom she knew as the president of Brigham Young University when she was a student, and longtime women’s Relief Society General President Belle Spafford.

In this candid account, she details her remarkable highs (great financial and professional successes) and disheartening lows (“I have about 6 dollars in my purse, less than 20 in the bank, and none of this month’s bills paid”). She talks of church leaders who treated her with respect and compassion, and those who demeaned and dismissed her. And she names names.

Here are edited excerpts from Pearson’s interview on a recent Salt Lake Tribune “Mormon Land” podcast as well as passages from the memoir (in italics):

Why do you think your first book of poetry, “Beginnings,” sold 150,000 copies in 1970?

I can’t tell you precisely why “Beginnings” just exploded into the literary scene that was hardly even existent in Mormondom, but it just did. I became a sort of an instant little local celebrity. It just opened the door to everything else that I did and for Mormon conversations in general.

Oct. 27, 1961: “I would rather be a poet than a prophet — I mean a real poet. A prophet has to be told that his words are divine. A poet knows it intuitively.”

Feminism is a thread running through your memoir. Why is it so important to you?

Because I’m a human, for one thing, and because I’m a woman for a second thing, and because I’m a writer, I guess, for a third thing. My fans said, “Carol Lynn, get busy and write something important about feminism.”

July 12, 1960: “I’ve read every scripture regarding women that exists in all four of the [Latter-day Saint] standard works [of scripture]. Each one only upsets me more; I don’t mean casually bothers me —I mean upsets me at the core.”

June 30, 1986: Letter to apostle Dallin Oaks — “As I was sitting in Relief Society today following along in the manual, I noticed that in the full three pages of examples and quotations, not one was by or about a woman: all 13 were by and about men. … I began to feel again, as I often do, that femaleness is invisible — that, after all, women seem not to count for much.…

I found myself raising my hand and standing up to observe that integrity is not only a masculine characteristic. And that I could not think of the word without remembering Joan of Arc, and that we could well remember Mother Eve in her commitment to obey the higher law.”

How far into your marriage did you know Gerald was gay?

We had talked about that prior to our marriage actually. Being a woman in the arts, I knew a lot more about homosexuality than the average person would. I can’t say I had any big revelation, any vision about whatever, but I just felt led in this direction. I happened to fall in love with and marry this very bright, charming young Mormon man who was devoted to the church and also devoted to art.

What made you decide to split up after 12 years of marriage and four children?

He would have probably been happy to maintain a double life, but his life was not one of deceit. We discussed everything from the beginning, but it became clear that that was something that he was never going to change. And that was not OK with me, so we lovingly parted ways in terms of a marriage but maintained a strong friendship.

Jan. 5, 1978: “Gerald and I continue to discuss the Problem. He understands that it will probably be necessary for us to separate. Gerald is (my words, not his) seeking after his Pearl of Great Price, for which he will sell all that he has, including me. Today I feel some anger. Last night, I felt the pain. But there is still quite a lot of the strength. How I pray it will continue.”

Dec. 4, 1978: Telling the kids — “Gerald and I have decided that as we go through the rest of this life that we can help each other best and be happier as best friends instead of married people. … Does that sound OK to you?”

It took a lot of courage for you to take him back when he had AIDS and was dying, but you were the one he wanted, right?

I guess courage would be one of the good words you might use. For me, it was the inevitable choice. What else do you do? Of course, there are plenty of people who would make a far different choice but for me it was essential. Gerald and I had gotten into this together, and we had to follow through, which we did.

March 30, 1984: “I can hardly bear this. Gerald is a beautiful person. I don’t want to lose what could be good years of learning and growing. I don’t want the children to lose him.… Gerald is not giving up, and I must not either.”

July 17, 1984: Gerald is in the front room preparing to leave this life. And I am doing what I can to make him comfortable. … I got out his Walt Whitman book and read some poems to him.. Oh, Gerald and the wide, huge heart that wants to embrace all and know all and experience all and dare all. His expansiveness has always frightened me. But I accept now, just accept and love and do not demand to understand. [He died two days later at age 42.]”

Why do you think you were never formally disciplined by the church for being so outspoken when others were?

I don’t know. ... Let me read a few paragraphs from my March 5, 1973, journal entry:

“I did it. The book is finished — ‘Daughters of Light.’ … I really do think it’s needed. This book was a compilation of stories of the early Mormon women exercising spiritual gifts. … I hope this book does not offend unnecessarily any of the brethren or unduly threaten any of the sisters, but I feel strongly that both need to seriously look at the spiritual powers available to women, even without their being ordained to the priesthood. I found some wonderful, wonderful stories. … The one thing I have not written that must be given full accounting for is the adventures of my Ensign article. February’s issue didn’t come out, and didn’t come out, and didn’t come out, and I got a very strange feeling that not all was well, then on Wednesday the 14th, [church historian] Leonard Arrington returned a call I had placed to him. His first words were, ‘I have bad news for you, Carol Lynn. Your article has been pulled from the Ensign.’

“I felt like someone was standing on my stomach. … As we went on talking, I started to cry — cast again into that blackest of pits that says, ‘Mormon woman, get down, down, down, down. Let the brethren do your thinking. Give up.’

“Last week I went to Salt Lake to do some things, and dropped in to see [the Ensign editor] Jay Todd. I asked him for the whole story, and he gave it to me two days before the presses were to run. Wendell Ashton, the church’s director of public affairs, called and said, ‘Jay, are you running an article about the ERA?’

“‘You think I’m crazy,’ said Jay.

“‘Well, are you running an article by Sister Pearson?’

“‘Yes, I have a very excellent article.’

“Brother Ashton then went on to tell him that he understood I was becoming known as a spokesman for the ERA, and that to avoid a bunch of letters and inquiries being sent to the brethren, he might want to investigate. Brother Ashton said that he had nothing but the deepest love and respect for Sister Pearson. So Jay said he took the article to two apostles who saw nothing wrong in the article itself but agreed that it was very bad timing. So Jay pulled it, and there you have it, the first major defeat of Carol Lynn Pearson in her work for a better image of the Mormon woman. But the battle is one of years, a whole lifetime, and I still have a great deal of energy and determination — as I learned from Joan of Arc, whom I played on the BYU stage. ‘What I have done I will not denounce. What I am, I will not deny.’”

Did you ever consider leaving the church?

[Laughs] I have left pieces of the church all along. There are so many beautiful pieces of the church I have found, but I have been able to pick up all the crap and throw it away. [The church’s practice of] polygamy in general is one of the large crap pieces that I was successfully able to just toss over the fence to whatever farmer was wanting that kind of nourishment for the fields.

Nov. 21, 1981: “How I yearn for some good resolution to my conflicts with the church. So much emotional energy is going into my ambivalence that I know could be used more productively. I am walking a tightrope with my breath held. … There is the person in me who wants terribly to remain a Mormon and have my children be the best of Mormons. And there is the person in me who yearns to just extricate myself and build from scratch with my children some satisfactory self- and worldview.”

What are things you love about the church?

In my own personal growing up, there was tremendous richness that came into my life through the church — from being a little girl in Primary who got to play this little part doing whatever. The church offers a tremendous amount of that. If people are born into the church, or choose to enter into the church, and do so with the bravery of their own personal mind, their own personal heart, their own personal connection to God, this strange, beautiful, wonderful, bizarre church of ours is a great way to go through life. It just is. It has given me just so many helpful, interesting things along the way.

Nov. 20, 1985: “I am feeling better about being a member of the church than I have felt in a long time. … I do not for a moment accept the egocentric position of the church as far as exclusive authority goes. I think we are one branch of God’s human family, but as I observe the various branches, I see many good reasons why I can feel comfortable in my particular branch. … When I throw out all the stuff about the church that I find harmful or that I don’t believe, and look at what is left, there really is a lot that is left. … In a very real way, the church can serve as an excellent tool for me, helping me do the things that are important for me to do. I can lift and serve other people effectively in this organization.”

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