Jeff McLean grew up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Heber City. As the son of renowned Latter-day Saint composer and playwright Michael McLean, faith and music were part of Jeff’s life.

From his earliest memories, he recalls his father’s stardom and the expectations of being his son. But Jeff never anticipated the struggle of trying to reconcile his faith and his sexuality.

After serving a church mission, entering a brief marriage to another man, and battling a drug addiction, Jeff finally gathered the courage to move home and confront the people he thought he had lost long ago: his parents.

His new book — co-written with his father, Michael, and therapist Brad Reedy, and titled “Stay in the Room: How a Gay Son and a Mormon Father Found Themselves and Each Other” — shares the insightful story of how this family found healing and common ground.

Here are edited excerpts from The Salt Lake Tribune’s “Mormon Land” podcast in which Jeff and Michael McLean discuss the dynamic changes in their familial relationships, the impact of growing up Latter-day Saint as an LGBTQ+ individual and what reconciliation really looks like.

When did you first come to understand that you were gay?

Jeff • When I was 10 years old, I sat next to this kid, Mark, and my whole body was like butterflies. All I know is that I wanted to sit next to Mark, and I had all these feelings, and I didn’t know what they were. I knew I was so attracted to him, but gay didn’t exist in our house. Gay only existed either by being molested or having a domineering mother. Gay only existed if someone perpetrated a heinous crime against me that would put them in prison. There was no way that gay could just exist. If I was to say, “I think I’m gay,” my mom would have tried to fix me because I couldn’t exist, and my very existence was then a challenge to the family. Being gay would be a challenge to my mom’s salvation, her eternal plan. I got bullied and called [names] every single day. And after a while, you just start to believe you deserve it.

When did you tell your family? What was their reaction?

Jeff • When I was 25 in 2004. Mom cried every day, and then Dad kind of went silent.

Michael • He was wearing his sister’s Cinderella dresses when he was 3. We didn’t want to ridicule him or define his sexuality, because, as the cinematic Mormon apologist, I was making all these movies for the church. It’s tough to be gay in a straight world, but try being Michael McLean’s son.

I was making commercials about families to worldwide acclaim, and my son, when he comes out, says, “Isn’t it ironic that you made the greatest commercials maybe in the world about being a great dad, and you weren’t?” I had no tools to respond to it. You don’t want to hear that you’re a lousy dad, and you don’t want to hear that you never saw your son.

Jeff • My mom was more interested in raising children to be Mormons. The focus of her life was to raise us to go live in celestial glory with her. I find it funny that, as a child, the agency thing was so silly because it was like being a Mormon was not a choice for me. Being gay was, though. It was Mormonness or nothing. It was like either live it or get disowned or be kicked out or have love withheld.

Michael, what was your initial reaction?

Michael • My initial reaction was: This can’t be. Heavenly Father has to answer my questions. I have failed this kid. I am not a good dad for him, and I don’t understand him. We have a relationship built on what he thought he was supposed to be.

I had created work that had been seen by half a billion people, and I wanted to help the church succeed. But wait a minute. I’m telling my son stuff he says are just, for him, flat-out lies. Balance that; figure that out. Now I need an answer. I don’t have a relationship. Teach me how. Nine years of nothing. Oh my heavens. Some of that silence was dictated by him saying, “I’m leaving you. I hope we never speak again.”

Jeff • During those nine years, though, I was having a heyday of joy. I do remember feeling at age 5 I was unlovable, and there was something wrong with me. I learned that from God, and I learned it from my family, and I learned it from the church, from everything. So when I came out and was finally authentically living my truth at this moment, I went from Mormon land into gay land. Mormons require just as much of you as gay people do. Mormons are defined by what they don’t do, and gays are defined by what they do do.

Over here we pray and we fast and we eat and we dress like this, and this is where we congregate and this is what we do. You just turn the corner and then it’s like here are the bars, here’s your cocktail, here’s how we have sex, and here’s how we meet, and here’s how we get together, and here’s how we support each other. Here are our parades, and here’s how we celebrate, and here’s what we do. So I was 27 years old, got a drink in my hand, and I danced and partied and had an incredible time, and it was wildly connected, wildly beautiful, and wildly amazing to be truthful to myself. Over the next 20 years was when our healing as a family began to show up.

What happened in Houston?

Michael • Jeff was performing in the play “Legally Blonde” in Houston in 2010, and I drove down, trying to be supportive. After the show, we’re in his hotel room, and then I get a 50-minute tirade, with veins showing in his neck, screaming and [swearing]. It was vicious. It was intimidating. My instinct was [to say], “I don’t have to put up with this. I brought you into this world. I’ve tried to support you.” I am like five minutes into the tirade to say. “I’m walking out on this. I will not listen to this. I don’t deserve this.”

And then I heard the spirit — I believe it was Jesus — who said, “Michael, you cannot leave. In fact, you cannot speak. You sit still and take it. And it’s not enough that you just wait 50 minutes until he is so overwhelmed and exhausted. You have to stay in this room until you can tell him, ‘This is what I’m hearing from you. If that’s how I have made you feel, I would hate me, too.’”

Jeff • When I heard him say that, I collapsed immediately onto the ground and cried for 20 minutes. It never occurred to me that someone would ever see that or know that or take that on or hold that with me. As he’s leaving — I am sobbing uncontrollably — he turns around, and says, “I want to believe in a Heavenly Father who can forgive me, because there’s no way I can forgive myself.”

And after feeling so held and loved, I was like, “Dad, I think that’s possible, because I can forgive you, and I believe in that kind of Jesus.” That was the beginning of what was then a marriage and a divorce, ending a career in New York and coming back to Utah to heal.

What was your temple epiphany?

Michael • Suddenly I realized you can’t learn a damn thing if you don’t start making mistakes, and you have to make these crucial choices. Relationships are more important than rules. It comforted me. It blessed me. It helped me. And so then I began a process of saying, “What else has the temple got to teach me? Is it good for man to be alone?” No, it is not good for man to be alone. I see Jeff and [his current husband] Joe, who’ve now been married for five years. I saw what Jeff’s life was like alone, and I see this answer to my prayer.

Jeff, why did you write this book?

Jeff • I thought I spent so much money to get the tone right and make sure that my mom could read it and make sure that it was really a little bit uncomfortable for Mormons. But my gay friends are like, what’s the big deal? This doesn’t seem shocking at all.

In the end, though, I wrote the book because I need it. I need it to remind myself how to love myself. I struggle with recovery. I struggle with trying to love myself. I struggle with showing up for myself and my family. I need a daily opportunity to show up and give it to God. I’ve needed my own book to help me process life and move through the world. So I’m really grateful that you can read it, but I wrote it for myself ultimately.

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