Robert Kirby: Who’s to blame for coronavirus? Conspiracy theories show it’s driving us crazy.

Robert Kirby

Listen up. The information I am about to share with you may save countless lives. Or possibly just a dozen or so. But even if it saves only one life, it will be worth it.

Ready? Here we go.

COVID-19 — the pandemic sweeping the globe — was deliberately started by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons) to bring about the Second Coming.

It’s been right in front of our faces this entire time. It merely required an easily bored mind capable of looking past layers of deception and isolation.

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COVID stands for “Church Originates Virus In” … well, I haven’t figured out what the “D” stands for yet, but I’m working on it. Also, the number 19 refers to … something. Maybe we’ll find out during General Conference.

There’s enough here to conclude that the coronavirus actually originated here in Utah because Wuhan isn’t just a city in China. It’s also the name of a minor Book of Mormon prophet.

“And Wuhan said unto the Immoralites, stop stabbing me.”

Go ahead. Look it up.

Finally, Mormons got a jump on quarantining long before it became cool. We came to Utah in 1847 for the very purpose of quarantining ourselves from Babylon.

Scoff if you will. It sounds crazy, but I’ll be able to prove everything, provided I don’t die first. And if I do, you’ll know it’s one more sign that I’m right.

Seriously, my take on who is responsible for the coronavirus makes about as much sense as other claims. My personal favorite is the assertion that Chinese people caused it by eating bats. Yes, McBat burgers served up by a Wuhan McDonald’s, complete with extra McGuano sauce.

I also like radio noise hole Rush Limbaugh’s February claim (shortly after being awarded the Medal of Freedom by President Donald Trump), that the coronavirus was no worse than the common cold and was being politically weaponized by Democrats to bring down, well, President Donald Trump.

My own claim that it’s the Mormons makes better sense than the virus being predicted in a 1993 episode of The Simpsons” or that bestselling novelist Dean Koontz foresaw it in one of his 837 novels.

Then there’s Bill Gates being blamed because of some connection to Big Pharma, which, as truly smart people know, released the virus to capitalize on an already developed vaccine that will be released only once the news media has sufficiently butt-tightened the public to the point of paying anything to stay alive.

Hand dryers will not kill the coronavirus no matter how long you hold your hands under them. You know what will? Fire. But please avoid using it on your skin.

No amount of hysterical idiocy can compensate for sound medical advice. If doctors suggest washing your hands and social distancing, consider that they might know more about how to prevent the disease from spreading than some YouTube nob or conspiracy theorist.

Where were we? Oh, right. Latter-day Saints. Even if you aren’t a Mormon, listen to General Conference and see if you can detect any additional evidence regarding us being the source of the scourge.

My mind is already made up, but let me know if you hear any confirmation. The public needs to know.

Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.