Step right up, Cougar guys and Cougar gals, and get a load of your BYU fan experiences. That’s right, you don’t want to miss out on receiving your own exclusive piece of the BYU pregame and in-game football action.

It’s a one-of-a-kind … err, it’s one kind of … opportunity to put your right foot in, put your left foot in, put your arms in, put your head and knees and shoulders and elbows and bottom and nose in, put your whole self in, and your wallet, too, and shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey with the Cougars, and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.

The ultimate BYU fan, as the promotional material puts it, can now “enhance” their game day.

But don’t forget the fine print: “Note: All pregame and in-game experiences require you to have a ticket to the game. Your experience purchase DOES NOT include a game ticket.”

The keyword there is … purchase.

Uh-huh, you can “step onto the field before kickoff and capture unforgettable memories, photos and videos from inside LaVell Edwards Stadium. … Beginning three hours prior to game time, this exclusive experience gives [you] access to the field and sidelines for a unique photo opportunity inside the stadium.”

Cost for the Utah Tech game: $161.90.

Cost for Big 12 games: $241.94.

Cost for the Notre Dame game: $482.02.

Wait, there’s more.

“Join the Cougar Walk as the team enters the stadium through one of game day’s most exciting traditions. … Experience game day like a BYU football player with this exclusive opportunity to join the Cougar Walk as it heads into LaVell Edwards Stadium."

Cost for Utah Tech: $268.61.

Cost for Big 12 games: from $268.61 to $402.00.

Cost for Notre Dame: $802.15.

And there’s even more.

“Press Box pregame meal experience. … Enjoy a pregame meal in the press box while taking in panoramic stadium views before kickoff.”

Cost for Utah Tech: $268.61.

Cost for Big 12 games: $402.00.

Cost for Notre Dame: $802.15.

And more.

“Pregame sideline experience. … Watch team warmups from the sideline and finish with an exclusive on-field 50-yard line photo before the game begins.”

Cost for Utah Tech: $535.38.

Cost for Big 12 games: $802.15.

Cost for Notre Dame: $1,602.45.

And even more than that.

“In-seat visit from Cosmo. … Receive a special game-day visit from Cosmo for photos, high-fives, and unforgettable fun at your seats. … Optional add-on: Make the moment even more memorable by having Cosmo deliver a custom-commemorative football during the visit.” (Presumably for an additional fee.)

Cost for Utah Tech: $1,068.91.

Cost for Big 12 games: $1,602.45.

Cost for Notre Dame: Market price, or a house down payment, or $3,203.06, whichever is best.

And now … you get it.

“Cougar marching band halftime show pass. … Watch the Cougar marching band’s halftime performance from field level.”

Cost for Utah Tech: $268.61.

Cost for Big 12 games: $402.00.

Cost for Notre Dame: $802.15.

And … again. And … again. And … again.

You can have a pregame photo; a halftime on-field photo experience; a birthday and anniversary video board message; a halftime tunnel experience; third-quarter break sideline access; and a football facilities tour. All ranging from $28.52 to $1,602.45.

All of it because … well, you’re a combination of three things: a BYU football fanatic, a rich person, a complete idiot for paying prices like these for experiences that you’ll forget by next season, if not before.

But it’s a thing. It’s real.

BYU is selling these Kibbles ’n Bits to you, the fan, beyond the cost of your tickets for the game because … I dunno … they can? Because you’ll extract money from your retirement fund to get a good view from atop the stadium? Because you want to walk with the team into the building? Because you want to eat food with the media? Because you want the dude dressed out in the Cosmo getup to come say hi to you at your seat?

To a reasonable person, that all sounds like a cry for help.

What’s next? Is BYU going to charge you 5,000 bucks to show up at Kalani Sitake’s house to clean out his gutters? Oh, you can take a photo there, too.

How about a couple of grand to do the Cougars’ postgame laundry? Those jocks and socks need cleaning; helmets and pads need wipe-downs. You, too, can bleach Bear Bachmeier’s towels, for a small fee. Drop a couple Benjamins in the bucket.

All this doesn’t seem real. It seems insane. It is insane. BYU is selling its soul.

Maybe BYU can go ahead and offer these experiences to its fans. It’s America, after all. It’s American college football. It’s a free market. But just because it can doesn’t mean it should.

Personally, no way would I shell out $3,203.06 for an in-seat visit from Cosmo at the BYU-Notre Dame game. I might consider paying that much for him to stay the hell away.