Video: The Washington Post’s Alexandra Petri wants to make it clear she’s available for the job of White House press secretary. (Adriana Usero/The Washington Post)
It is bold of you to assert that Sarah Sanders will no longer be the press secretary after the end of the month, and, frankly, you should be ashamed to ask that question.
I think millions of Americans — some of them mothers, some of them with families, hard-working — would be ashamed to hear that question. You should go home and rethink your life, as Sarah Sanders assuredly will not. What gives you the right to question the perfect, golden judgments of this administration? You have no right. You should apologize.
Sarah Sanders does not have any information on where she might or might not be going, but she will get back to you on that.
In fact, Sarah Sanders was just dropped here from a hole in the sky by mysterious forces and has absolutely no information about anything that is going on in this administration. But, listen, she's not going to get into a back-and-forth about whether she's leaving or not.
To the best of her knowledge, Sarah Sanders is not going anywhere. There is nowhere outside this briefing room. There is nowhere inside this briefing room, either, or she would have been there more than once in the past 95 days. But she will let you know if anyone is going anywhere.
Honestly, Sarah Sanders was never the press secretary. There was never any need for anyone to provide answers, because the questions were all stupid. Ninety-four days ago, she held her last briefing, but even that was more than you deserved. You should be ashamed. Or maybe she has been holding press briefings every day, but you blinked and missed them. Maybe she's holding one right now. This is a press conference. Anything can be a press conference. No cameras, though.
In a sense, every day has been a press conference with the most important press of all, the true American people, who are disgusted that you would ask questions about the current administration.
Do not weep for Sarah Sanders. If Sarah Sanders were leaving, it would be to pursue her longtime dream of guarding one of the two doors in a logic puzzle. (Sure, ask which guard! You can ask!)
She would be retiring to spend more time with her family, refusing to answer their questions about the actions of the administration. She would be returning to Arkansas to live in a mansion and be governor or work in a pasture and cry wolf. She would be pursuing her dream of appearing on cable news to deliver fusillades of falsehoods, nonanswers and misinformation to the public as a private citizen rather than an administration official.
Mostly, if she were going, you would notice the countless FBI agents she numbers among her friends mourning her departure.
She is hurt and insulted that you would suggest that she is leaving.
Hush! She has spent too much time with you already.
Maybe she is going. You do not need a press secretary if you never intend to answer any questions from the press.
Ceci n'est pas une press conference. What is a press conference?
Sarah Sanders has no idea who she is or what she is doing here.
You should be ashamed.
Sarah Sanders was never here.
Sarah Sanders, who?
She will get back to you on that.
Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”