Organ music begins.

Narrator: In today’s episode of the soap opera, “As the Balls at BYU Spin,” brought to you by Crumbl cookies and Qualtrics, we have all kinds of melodrama that, as far as you know, may or may not be complete fiction or nonfiction. Either way, it’s certainly based on bits and pieces scribbled out by semi-informed script writers who have some working knowledge of real-life events.

In this scene, the head football coach is confronted by his pal, the director of BYU football’s NIL, telling the coach what he doesn’t want to hear. And then, the head basketball coach jumps in. Next, the weakened athletic director joins the conversation. And then, a stranger darkens the door as mayhem ensues.

Let’s tune in. …

NIL guy: “Hey, coach, get a load of this. I heard this rumor that basketball is getting $22 million for its NIL bennies. How stupid is that?”

Football coach: “Say, what?!?! You did not just tell me that. I can’t believe that. I don’t want to believe that. Actually, I just might believe that. That’s ridiculous. Football is king around here, not basketball. Has this place gone cray-cray? I want to see a full disclosure of the athletics budget.”

Basketball coach: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m not getting $22 large for NIL. Who said that? I never said that. In fact, that’s closer to the budget for the entire program.”

Football coach: “That’s what NIL guy just told me.”

NIL guy: “Um, uh, um.”

AD: “I never did like you, NIL guy. You’ve stirred the pot too much. That’s why I’ve told everyone they should work around you.”

NIL guy: “Bub, the feeling is mutual.”

Football coach: “I like NIL guy. I don’t have much love for you, AD. I would if you’d have taken care of my football team. I adore people who take care of my football team. Now look at you, you’re driving the boat for what … BYU badminton?”

AD: “We don’t have a badminton team.”

Football coach: “All I know is the profits from my team pay for most of whatever sports you’re overseeing now.”

AD: “Sick burn, coach. At least the school president likes me. And the basketball coach likes me, too.”

Basketball coach: “Leave me out of your little friend circle. I’m still making up my mind about you. What I definitely don’t like is the way the big dogs up in Salt Lake are pulling for basketball and football to strictly play by the new NIL rules. Black and white, no gray.”

Football coach: “That’s a joke. None of the top programs, football or basketball, are doing that. Why should we? Do they want us to do the most with the least?”

NIL guy: “That’s exactly what they want. Donors say they are all lined up with their wallets out, perfectly willing to contribute to national championships.”

AD: ”Go Cougars. Maybe we also can kick butt in tennis and track.”

Basketball coach: “I’m frustrated, man. If the money is there, but they don’t want us to utilize it, is this a case of self-righteous self-sabotage?”

Football coach: “Just might be. We don’t know, but we ’bout to find out!”

AD: “Don’t those guys realize that football is humble and hungry?”

Basketball coach: “I’m not humble, I’m ticked. Getting fed up with all these dumb college rules. It’s an ever-changing landscape, a moving target. We didn’t have this kind of nonsense back in the league, where and when I used to hang out with Book and KD. But my family likes living in Utah. Bummer.”

AD: “Come on dudes, let’s put our heads and hands and hearts together here. We’ve embarrassed ourselves enough. All we need is love. That’s what the Good Book says.”

NIL guy: “Actually, that was the Beatles.”

Football coach: “That’s BS. I need a new practice field and facility. I need more goodies for my players and staff. I need resources to score big in recruiting and the transfer windows. That come-hither-ing won’t pay for itself. How am I supposed to beat Texas Tech without more of everything?”

AD: “How’d you like to be me? I just had my arms chopped off and my legs cut out from under me. What kind of self-respecting athletic director would be happy with just volleyball and soccer and cross country?”

Football coach: “I’d feel sorry for you if you didn’t deserve it. I’m thinking maybe I should have gone to ...”

AD: “ ... I agree, maybe you should have. I would’ve hired your old defensive coordinator and saved us all a whole lot of trouble.”

Basketball coach: “I wonder when the Celtics or Sixers or Bulls or Hornets or Clippers will need a new coach?”

New deputy AD enters straight from the bluegrass state.

Deputy AD: “Hi, fellas. I’m so, so, so excited to be here. How we all doing?”

Organ music fades out.