Reminder to married Latter-day Saint couples: Sex is holy and heavenly, not sinful and satanic

Passion. Intimacy. Eroticism. Arousal. Sex.

Though rarely mentioned by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, these ideas are as much a part of God’s plan in their theology as agency, repentance and baptism.

And they are central to Latter-day Saint therapist Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s new book, “That We Might Have Joy: Desire, Divinity & Intimate Love.”

The best sex “is never hard work. Good sex is easy,” she writes, and “the turn-on for most women is being the turn-on” and, finally, “our bodies and sensual natures are not obstacles to holiness, but essential components of it.”

In a recent episode of The Salt Lake Tribune’s “Mormon Land” podcast, Finlayson-Fife sheds light on how “soulful sex can bring couples not only closer to each other but also to God.”

Here are lightly edited excerpts from that episode:

Why do so many members see the law of chastity as warning against sex outside of marriage but struggle with the divine approval of sex inside marriage?

We focus much more on the don’ts…because we have such a high standard of conduct. Teachers and parents tend to be really anxious, or see their primary goal as getting their child to the altar a virgin, [believing] what happens after that is maybe not their concern. A lot of parents and teachers also have their own ambivalent relationship to sex. We tend to put sexuality in an entirely different category than spirituality — even seeing sexuality as being Satan’s pathway to our souls.

What role does the body play in Latter-day Saint theology, and how does that relate to sex and sexuality?

We have a real gift in our understanding of faith that the body is not a necessary evil in our time here on Earth. It is, in fact, part of our spiritual development, part of our ability to become like our parents in heaven — that it’s necessary to grow into a wiser being. And that’s not just because the body gives us agency and the ability to act and learn and do, but because the body, to quote Socrates, “is an instrument of perception.” The body is actually the way that we map spiritual meaning, the way that we communicate profound meaning to one another and so, in intimate love, embodied love is very powerful. It’s a way of sharing our souls. The soul is body and spirit. Latter-day Saint theology really does highlight this teaching and this understanding. But I think because we are afraid of the body and afraid of sexuality and all that, we tend to sidestep that really powerful belief.

There’s a part of the female anatomy that’s strictly there to give pleasure, right?

Exactly. I teach that the clitoris takes care of no one but the woman herself. Some think pleasure is antithetical to spirituality. We teach that we might have joy, but a lot of us think it’s for the next life. Yes, pleasure that is hedonistic, that takes advantage of someone or is destructive, is a problem, but pleasure that’s anchored in our morality is actually part of joy. It’s a balm in a world full of suffering and difficulty. And as we grow in our spiritual capacity, that is, as we grow in our ability to know what’s true, to live truthfully, to love and be loved, our capacity for joy increases.

Why do members misunderstand the word erotic?

Because we tend to think of eroticism as pornography and kind of commercialized, cheapened versions of sexuality. But the true meaning of the word “eros” is the root of eroticism, and eros, in Greek mythology, is the life force, right? It is the pursuit of communion. It’s the desire to reach beyond the ego, beyond our insular reality, and connect with the world, connect with divinity, connect with what we don’t yet know, with another soul. It’s the antidote to depression. When we are reaching beyond ourselves, it’s hopeful. When sex is erotic in the true sense of that word, it’s life giving, it makes us feel more whole, more deeply connected. You can certainly be sexual without it being erotic, right? If you go to a red-light district, there’s no eros energy there, because it’s full of despair and anxiety and a way and an effort to escape life. But when sex is erotic, it’s a way of stepping more deeply into our lives, appreciating the beauty of it, the beauty of the other that we’re sharing our lives with. It’s a way of cherishing our lives.

Do you think temple garments worn under normal clothing have shaped attitudes about the body?

Some feel [wearing garments is] just “wrapping God around me. I feel safe and protected, and I love it.” Other women have a sense of authority being on their bodies, like something outside of themselves, interfering with a relationship to their own bodies. Because women’s eroticism is connected to the experience of being desirable, to being attractive, this interferes right at that point. It really can be a problem, and especially if women don’t feel the freedom or the agency to make choices around that as a way of honoring their covenants, but also feeling at home in their bodies. I think figuring out what that is for them is important.

Do you think sleeveless garments will help change that?

Yes, it just allows a little more option. This is not about revealing too much of the body. It’s just about simply being able to enjoy your body a little more.

Why did church leaders preach for many years that naked shoulders were too erotic and alluring and should be covered up?

We tend to eroticize what we cover up. That’s part of the argument for covering up, actually a little bit, because it does preserve eroticism. There’s nothing less erotic than a nude beach. I have a testimony of that. But within reason, you need to be able to live your life and enjoy your life and not always be anxious about your body.

What is “soulful sex,” and how can couples achieve it?

Soulful sex is intimate, that you can really bring your full self to your partnership, that your bed is a place that you can be fully you with your spouse, that you can enjoy each other. It’s a kind of [marital] sacrament….It’s a place to step outside of the mundane and into a place in a space that’s rejuvenating, that allows you to touch something greater. That’s not because it’s mind-blowing, necessarily — although there’s nothing wrong with that — but more that you move into this kind of liminal [in-between] space where spiritual experience also resides. It’s a space in which you feel fully yourself in one sense but also kind of outside of your normal experience. Yin and yang tend to come together in sex, and you’re drawn to it…But there’s a meaningful tension there. It helps us grow, but also it’s a part of good sex.

What role does self-worth play in soulful sex?

It’s an act of faith to come to accept ourselves as worthy, even if our parents were not good at showing us that. It’s a real act of goodness to just have faith in our own worthiness. That doesn’t mean that we don’t still have things that we can grow and evolve and change, but that we are part of a larger project as children of God, and that value is inherent to us. The more we can trust in that, the more we can receive love around us, both from friends and people who care about us and a partner. This is often a challenge for women — just the act of receiving care, receiving goodness, letting yourself be enjoyed, letting yourself understand your own desirability is really good for you and good for the marriage.

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