Gordon Monson: For some Latter-day Saints, exhaustive service does more harm than good

This is a warning to those inside The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and any other church or organization, who regularly preach sacrificing self to serve others — as though that’s the golden ticket to heaven.

That premise is huge for Latter-day Saints. I could pay a ton of tithing if I had five bucks for every time I’ve heard that sermon delivered to congregants.

Give, give, give until it hurts. And if it doesn’t hurt, then the service isn’t being offered quite right or often enough or thoroughly enough.

That’s what Jesus would do, right?

Maybe it is, but is it what Jesus would have you do?

Ignore yourself. Concentrate on others. How’s the Good Book put it? “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

Yeah, that’s it.

I’ve seen enough good service from people inside the church to sing their praises all day long. From the very significant to the slightly insignificant. Caring individuals bearing burdens that weren’t theirs, but they took them on anyway. I’ve seen the elderly aided by the young, the young aided by the elderly, not in some occasional token way, rather in ways that took time, effort, patience and sacrifice.

Back in the day when wards in various regions secured modest patches of land for congregants and congregations to have gardens, to work the land and reap the benefits of fresh fruits and vegetables grown, I once saw three men harvest together some of that produce in the early hours before their normal workdays. One was the CEO of a large chemical corporation; another an attorney at a top firm; and yet another a school janitor. There they were, laughing and laboring, shoulder to shoulder, sweating in the swelter of a buzzard-hot, humid morning — only because they thought they should serve.

All good.

But there are limits to that service, or should be, even as regular pressure is put on Saints to sacrifice as they serve. Hence the warning.

Responsibilities at home

Almost everyone has personal and familial responsibilities that need tending. That’s part of life. On top of that, in the Latter-day Saint tradition, there are church chores to fill, from bishop to hymn coordinator, from Relief Society president to Sunday school teacher. It’s a lay church, so keeping it functioning is the duty of the members who are taught to “magnify” their callings, to embrace voluntary service, to undertake it with their might and strength. To scrub toilets and to minister to others, come what may. They get no monetary reward for their efforts but are promised something so many of them believe is better — eternal blessings.

The trouble with those endeavors is they sometimes come at a great cost.

Fathers who skip parental responsibilities to fulfill priesthood assignments. Mothers and single women who wrongly feel like they’re not doing enough, even as they look outward, not inward, to lend a helping hand, here, there, everywhere.

Just as neglectful are individuals who forsake paying attention to and taking care of themselves in order to bless the lives of others. But such seemingly noble selflessness can be almost as harmful as shameful selfishness.

If pure selfishness is on one side and complete selflessness is on the other, maybe the devil is on the outer edge of both extremes. True discipleship, the place where the angels sing and where steady self-care is found, is somewhere in the middle.

I know of and was close to a Latter-day Saint woman who read her scriptures and prayed daily, who sought to follow Jesus, who fulfilled her callings with enthusiasm, who was a wife to a husband, a mother to adult kids, some of whom had extra challenges with which they had to deal, a grandmother who helped care for her grandchildren.

She was almost always looking out for others. Everyone but herself. Problem is, it led her not just the wrong way but eventually to her own demise.

She had physical ailments, one of them having to do with her heart. She ignored her symptoms, busy as she was tending to the needs all around her. As a result, she put off visiting her doctor week after week, and, as it turned out, month after month. She felt she was pulled to serve. She would get around to taking care of herself later. She was subsequently hospitalized, in part suffering from the stress she shouldered.

She died two weeks later.

Tending to self

I asked her physician, a noted cardiologist, in the aftermath what happened and why. He said her death was, the word he used, “needless.”

“If she had come in when she first had symptoms,” the doctor said, “she would easily have survived.”

That news was frustrating. She didn’t delay going in for treatment because she was afraid. She didn’t put off the visit to the physician for any reason other than she was busy, preoccupied with helping and worrying about everyone else. They needed her. But she needed to take care of herself first.

At her funeral, a Latter-day Saint service, multiple speakers talked about her beautiful selflessness, the aid she freely offered, the way she gave and gave and gave.

She didn’t just give and give and give until it hurt. She gave and gave and gave until it killed her. And praise was heaped upon her for the very trait that did her in.

That’s an extreme case. The point is: to all those who want to serve, to those who feel like it’s their duty to serve because of what they are taught at church, hit pause. Pause to think of yourself and to give yourself what you need.

Serving others, feeling overwhelming pressure to do so, might not prove fatal. It probably will help feed your soul, but beware that it doesn’t rob you of time to nourish yourself. There’s nobility in that, too. Perhaps one of the “least of these,” from time to time, is … you. Doing good for yourself, then, is doing good for your God.

Note to readers • This story is available to Salt Lake Tribune subscribers only. Thank you for supporting local journalism.