Kirby: Grammys, Emmys again put the annual celebrity fashion attack on parade. So what’s on your back?

Robert Kirby

Fashion is important to some people. Nowhere is this more evident than it is to people whose job it is to get noticed — singers, actors, even pseudo-celebs like an available Kardashian.

Generally speaking, most people dress to present themselves as well-groomed without everyone thinking that looking fabulous is the entire reason they draw upon oxygen. By this, I mean normal people.

Then there are those who dress for comfort by donning whatever is handy that won’t get them — me — arrested, shot or fired.

People like us are accustomed to hearing things like, “You need to dress more professionally” or, “Were your pants eaten and regurgitated by a hyena? Go home and change.”

I raise this issue because of the fashion parade at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards, where the glitterati ambled the red carpet in clothing that cost more than it would take to feed a faraway village for a year.

Both the Emmys and the Grammys — or at least the combined three minutes I could stand of both — were a migraine of epic self-indulgence.

Announcer Brenda: “There’s Bryan Bashem, star of ‘Skull Pulp II,’ wearing a tuxedo created especially for him by Le Compay Jesse Penney.”

Announcer Francois: “That’s right, Brenda. And with him is pop star Tiki Tok, whose hit single ‘Hollywood Overdose’ is tearing up the charts. She’s elegantly dressed in a lovely ballroom gown made from a single strand of transparent beads created by celebrity adorner Nik Nekkid.”

Maybe it’s part of the being-famous gig that these people have to turn themselves out in such a self-promoting manner. It’s certainly not something that normal (sane) people would do.

Imagine if it were you on the red carpet, and a bunch of fashion squints were checking you out and announcing your choice of apparel in a tone that made it sound as if life on earth depended on it.

“Moving along the carpet now is [your name], looking decidedly subpar in a modest Target gown. Noticeably absent from her hand is the half-carat engagement ring given to her last month by Brad, of Santaquin Feed Store, who was fired … ”

Awful, isn’t it? That’s because you’re a decent person who isn’t looking for worship from people over whom your sole advantage in life is to outspend them on clothing. You are not alone.

There are shameless people like Sonny and me. Even if we were invited to walk the red carpet, there’s no legitimate expectation that we would care what observations were made by the fashion fascists.

Brenda: “Oh, no. Here come Sonny and Kirby, dubious stars of the recently canceled TV series “Blowin’ Stuff Up.”

Francois: “Kirby is wearing baggy Wranglers, scuffed boots, a T-shirt and a U.S. Army ball cap with the warmongering statement ‘God Bless Veterans’ on it.”

Brenda: “Sonny is inelegantly attired in beach sandals, tattoos, and … what appears to be a loincloth hastily manufactured from a newspaper. ”

Francois: “It takes all kinds, Brenda. Thank God we won’t be seeing those two next year.”

Damn right. With any luck, I won’t be watching the Grammys or the Emmys next year either.

Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.
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