Nearly half of Utah’s kindergarten through third grade kids can’t read at grade level, report finds — The Salt Lake Tribune, Jan. 5

Utah just banned another Stephen King book from all public schools. Brings total to 36. — Tribune, July 13

These test numbers are so discouraging. Barely half of our third-graders are reading at grade level. In some districts it’s barely 40%.

We all know what a problem this is. After third grade, students are supposed to shift from learning to read to reading to learn. The idea is that they master basic literacy up through the third grade and, from then on, they can read ever-more-complex texts to learn their history, science, civics, literature.

If they can’t read those books, they fall behind fast and probably will never catch up.

This is Utah, with a Republican supermajority controlling the Legislature. Every year they complain about the public schools, direct state money to private schools and home-schoolers and cut the state income tax, the main source of revenue for public education in the state. So we would be wasting our time trying to get the state to pay for smaller classes, paraprofessionals or other stuff that could help.

What can we do?

I know. If it isn’t working to tell kids they really need to read, let’s tell them they aren’t allowed to read. That will get their attention. Then they will want to read, if just to defy the stupid rules their stupid elders are trying to impose on them.

What do you mean, tell them they can’t read? We can’t do that. We’re teachers.

We won’t tell them. We’ll have other authority figures tell them. The Legislature. School boards. We’ll have them tell our children that reading is bad for them. That books have stories and words that will hurt them, that they aren’t mature enough to handle. We’ll ban books from school libraries all over the state.

How many books?

Enough to get a lot of headlines and social media traffic. Keep adding to the list to get more tweets. That’s what social media is for, after all, to stoke rage.

Which books should we ban?

It would get the most attention if we banned books that have gay or lesbian characters. Young ones. Books written to help LGBTQ+ teens see they aren’t the only ones in that situation. And books that deal with the pain of sexual assault or of school violence.

I see. Keep going.

Also, ban books that are already huge among those tweens and teens who do read. Younger kids idolize teenagers and, if they want to read at all, they want to read the books their older sisters are reading.

Like what?

The classics. Judy Blume. Stephen King. Margaret Atwood. And all those, what are they called? Court of Stuff ‘n’ Feathers best-sellers by Sarah J. Maas. Doesn’t do much good to ban books that nobody ever heard of. You’re not taking anything away from anyone and nobody cares.

Sounds good.

You know, the usual suspects. “Slaughterhouse Five.” “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.” That’ll get the attention of the ACLU and the Kurt Vonnegut and Maya Angelou estates. Lawsuits! More tweets! More headlines! More indignation!

I like this.

I know! Ban “Wicked,” the book that led to the smash Broadway musical that led to the two hit movies. Teens love those shows. Banning that will really cheese them off!

Well, I’ve read “Wicked.” The book is a lot raunchier than the play or the movies. Even the author, Gregory Maguire, says it is not intended for children.

It’s not for children, but high school seniors aren’t children. And, compared to what’s easily available online, “Wicked” is “Green Eggs and Ham.”

I dunno. We’re teachers. We’re all in for literacy and freedom of thought. We don’t want to stop people from reading anything.

We won’t really stop anyone from reading anything. We’ll just take a few books out of school libraries. School libraries are important, but they are not the main source of anything. All the books will still be available in public libraries, local bookstores and online. And with all that publicity those books will get a lot more readers than they would have if nobody was saying anything about them.

Utah may get a bad rap nationally from people who only read the headlines or the social media rage. But in the long run we will get more kids to read more books. Even third-graders will want to be in on the subversion of authority. All very Katniss Everdeen.

Sounds good. All in favor say “Aye.”

Aye!

Now, onto the next item on the agenda. How to teach the concept of “irony.”

George Pyle, editorial writer for The Salt Lake Tribune, read “Slaughterhouse Five” about 55 years ago, when he heard a school somewhere had had it burned.

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