Dear Congress,

Actually, you are not allowed to impeach the president! Please cease this unconstitutional activity at once and listen to me. I know the law. I know what the Founders intended.

This is not a real impeachment inquiry. If it were a real impeachment inquiry, the president would be able to call a witness and approach the bench (he has not gotten to approach the bench once) and say, “Objection, your honor!” and Mariska Hargitay would be there looking warm but stern, none of which has happened. I am definitely a lawyer, just like Denny Crane before me.

Never in history has Congress (not even a real branch of government, filled as it is with Democrats, something the Founders wouldn’t have wanted) so trampled over someone’s rights! I am appalled! Nobody has said to President Trump, “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.” Nobody has even said he has the right to an attorney. You can tell he has not been informed of this when you look at what he has gotten instead, which is certainly not an attorney. They would need to tell him that for this to be real due process and not, as it is now, a kangaroo court. The president is not a kangaroo and cannot be tried as one, let alone by one! We are mammals, not marsupials! Are marsupials mammals? I don’t know! I’m just a lawyer. Ergo propter hoc, caveat!

Congress is taking us down a dangerous path, a path full of witches and kangaroos, and given that the president has not had the opportunity to do so, I will say I object, your honor! You need me on that wall!

Also furthermore and hitherto thusly, it is no longer fun for the president, and he wants to go home and have a juice box, so you need to stop.

This is not the fair process he deserves, and I will not have it. This clearly violates the Constitution, which states in Article 11 that the president possesses the absolute right to do whatever he wants (nobody talks about Article 11), that his calves are shapely like a ballet dancer's, that his touch can cure scrofula and that the Bourbons will reign for 1,000 years.

Also, Donald Trump has been unbelievably transparent, so transparent that pigeons fly directly into him. So shut up! Maybe he should impeach you! Yes, he can! No, you shut up!

Meanwhile, Congress is acting like it has equal authority over the executive branch, as though that is in the Constitution somewhere, as though the Constitution provides for the legislative branch to act as a check or balance on the executive! Must be next to all the parts about witches and kangaroos, huh?

I just wish we would think more about the Founders. Donald Trump should have unchecked, absolute power, just as they intended a leader to have, so he can Refuse his Assent to Laws that are wholesome and necessary for the public good, can obstruct the laws for naturalization of foreigners, refuse to pass new laws to encourage their migrations hither, cut off our trade with all parts of the world and mark his character as a Tyrant fit to be the ruler of a Free People.

I rest my case, Your Kangaroo Honor.

Alexandra Petri

Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.