Congratulations! Welcome to Facebook dating! Yes, this is a thing that exists now. You have kept nothing from us at Facebook, sometimes on purpose, and now, in recompense, Facebook will find you the one person you deserve. Buckle in for some matches based on our understanding of your preferences and the kind of content you generally engage with!
You've been matched with ... Dave! Dave combines all the fun of a high school acquaintance's engagement announcement and 900 photos of a colleague's baby.
No? OK. Hmm.
You've been matched with Henrik. We predict high engagement levels for you and Henrik (Get it? You get it!) because Henrik is like a human hybrid of two things we know you love to engage with: a red background with large white text on it asking that the user be sent pictures of dogs because it's been a ruff day, and an 800-word post from a close friend describing something horrible that happened to them.
Are you sure? But you engaged with this content so much!
Fine. Your match is Karen. Remember that video of someone making a complicated cake? You didn't turn the sound on because you didn't want to commit to watching the whole video, but then you watched the whole video. Well, a relationship with Karen will be like that.
No? Are you kidding me?
All right. I'm bringing out the big guns. You have been matched with Stan. Stan also combines two things you like: poking, which you have done HUNDREDS OF TIMES over the years and could do again any time you wanted to, and the sentiments expressed in an opinion article you shared with just the word "WOW," which sounds like, probably, you were very impressed by it.
Fine. Fine. OK. Your match is Grover. To find Grover, we scraped your Facebook chats, bringing you the perfect synergy of something you thought was a heartfelt personal statement that in fact was the iceberg tip of a MLM scheme, and a 1,000-word screed penned by a distant acquaintance in vague terms about how much they hate drama.
No?
You’ve been matched with the birthday party of a friend who lives three states away. Your match is raising money for a cause! Your match is a Sustainable Fashion. Your match is — well, to prepare you, I should be perfectly clear that one time you Googled “knives” where Facebook could see, and Facebook drew some conclusions from that.
Are you sure you want to swipe left? It would have been a block of knives!
Your date is an article shared with great confidence that says we figured out a simple and elegant solution to climate change that, when you click on it, turns out to have been written by a bot. Are you sure? Three of your friends have commented beneath it, "Yes. More of this."
You've been matched with a machine-washable shoe. No?
Are you sure?
Are you SURE?
Here's the shoe again but from a different angle. Are you sure? You've been matched with your high school friend's mother's political manifesto. You liked this, remember?
You have been matched with an authentic group of True Americans Living Free in the God Blessed Texas! Whoops, sorry, this turns out to be something different.
You've been matched with a post explaining all the reasons you're leaving Facebook. There's some irony here.
OK. You have been matched with a dog gif. The dog gif was created by a foreign entity we DON’T KNOW A WHOLE LOT ABOUT but — there just never was a right time to disclose that. Probably fine, though.
OK. Fine. For your match, would you like to be turned against a group of people in your cou — TIM, I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF THIS!
Hmm, are you not satisfied with your options? Maybe you'd better try our premium service, where we will offer you the same results but definitely remember not to let the app sell your data to Cambridge Analytica.
Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.