First off, do not worry about the economy. There is nothing to worry about. Who's worried? If you were to worry, that would make the economy second-guess itself and grow agitated. Don't worry about the economy. It's fine. Worry about the Space Command.
Second, if there are any problems with the economy (there aren't, but if there were), they would have nothing to do with the president. The last thing that would possibly impact the economy are his trade policies. It is "badly run and weak companies," as he wisely clarified on Twitter.
Third, if there were to be any kind of downturn (not necessarily a bad thing, at hotels, people pay for such a service!), there is a plan. The plan is for it to be, as Mick Mulvaney told a gathering of donors last week, "moderate and short."
This plan is without flaw, and, indeed, is the approach the administration is taking to all forms of crisis. That is, I am pleased to report, why there are currently no crises whatsoever.
Consider, for instance, the new rollback of methane regulations — even over the objections of people in the affected industries. A similar, ingenious philosophy is being applied here. To try to limit the amount of methane released into the earth’s atmosphere would send the earth a message that we thought it might be getting to the point where additional methane and CO2 could be dangerous to the planet, and that realization might cause the earth to panic, hyperventilate and destroy all human life.
Nothing depresses a planet so much as the suggestion that its continued health is hanging by a very fragile thread. The last thing we would want the earth to do is think there was a problem. If we were to take any steps that made it look as though we were aware of a problem and were addressing it, well, that would be the end, for all of us. No, we must keep it in a state of blissful ignorance.
Indeed, we have taken this attitude broadly in all areas of our lives. Take health care, for instance. If you do not have a plan that allows for bad things to happen, you will be amazed, for instance, how many fewer times you will visit the doctor and how much less prescription medicine you will obtain! Probably this is because you are healthier.
Similarly, imagine what might happen if we were to make any effort to regulate guns. If guns knew we were thinking of regulating them, why, something terrible might happen in America, on a regular basis, even.
This is why we are not even contemplating a plan for removing bedbugs should they ever come to the Doral resort. If you devised a plan to remove them, then for that plan to work bedbugs would have to show up in the first place — simply unthinkable!
We must stand firm in our refusal to plan for anything but good outcomes.
The second you make a plan for something bad to happen, you may as well be sending it an engraved invitation. If we make any plans that will invite people to see us as not confident, and then the bears of the economy will fall upon us and destroy us. Oh no, I have mentioned them! Now they will hear us.
No. Our plan for if the economy is bad (shh, not so loud, you must not frighten the economy) is for it not to be bad. If we have a recession (hush), our plan is for it not to be the bad kind, and for it to leave quickly.
Umbrellas invite rain. Safety harnesses inspire people to drop from great heights. Do not get me started on what helmets do.
This is why the Titanic brought so few lifeboats on board. To bring too many is to imply that a disaster might happen, in which case such lifeboats might be needed and might lead the ship to lose confidence in itself and capsize. This would have been disastrous!
The last thing we need is to invite disaster.
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.