Washington • For President Trump, every day is Presidents’ Day.
As Trump prepares to turn Independence Day into a political rally, the question is not why he has decided to crash the nation's birthday party on the Mall, but why he didn't do it sooner.
One by one, he has tried to remake our holidays to his benefit.
He issued a federal order declaring his Inauguration Day a "National Day of Patriotic Devotion."
He claimed credit for saving Christmas, so that "everybody's very proud to be saying 'Merry Christmas' again."
On Thanksgiving, he proclaimed his gratitude for himself and "having made a tremendous difference."
He attempted a grand Veterans Day military parade — reviewed by him — and when he failed to make that happen, he skipped the traditional visit to Arlington National Cemetery because he was “extremely busy ... doing other things.”
On Memorial Day, he said "those who died for our great country would be very happy and proud" of his leadership.
And on the 75th anniversary of D-Day in Normandy last week, he used the white crosses of fallen Americans as his backdrop for an interview condemning "Nervous Nancy" Pelosi and the "fool" Robert Mueller.
And now: "HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the biggest gatherings in the history of Washington, D.C., on July 4th ... at the Lincoln Memorial. Major fireworks display, entertainment and an address by your favorite President, me!"
Fireworks on the Fourth? It's a wonder nobody thought of it before. One can imagine how it will turn out ...
REMARKS BY THE PRESIDENT
July 4, 2019
My fellow Americans, welcome to the First Annual Trump International Independence Day and Casino on the Mall, brought to you by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and by the official hotel of Independence Day, the Trump International, preferred destination of discerning sheikhs.
Today, Americans celebrate what makes our country great, and that thing is your favorite President, me. We come together as one nation, even the haters and losers, the fake news, Low IQ Joe, Nervous Nancy, Cryin' Chuck — what a creep! — socialists, murderers, rapists and MS-13 animals. This is the largest crowd ever. I have all the records. I hold all the cards.
Martin Luther King Jr. spoke from this very spot, but I am hearing that my speech is already better than his — maybe the greatest ever. Abe Lincoln is also honored by my presence here. Abe was a good president, but he was never as popular as me. Ninety-four percent approval rating in the Republican Party! All-time record! Love records. Also, the White House physician says I am now 6-foot-5, which makes me taller than Abe and means my BMI is not in the obese category.
Thank you to those seated up front who contributed to my campaign at the Emolument Level. Before me tonight, I see the beautiful melting pot of America: people from Sweden, Norway and Denmark. It is almost as great as seeing my royal family on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.
The negative people in the District of Columbia objected to me taking over Independence Day, so I have declared July 4 a National Emergency, which allows me to pay for this party with money from the Pentagon. Instead of traditional fireworks, tonight we will be using tactical nuclear weapons. Why have them if you don't use them?
As part of my National Emergency, I also declare that:
This place will now be called Trump National Mall Golf Club; I am speaking you from the ninth green.
I will be throwing out the first pitch at next week's All-Star Game in Cleveland; I will also be the starting pitcher.
I will be the halftime performer at next year's Super Bowl.
I will be declared the winner of the Masters golf tournament.
My picture will be on the new $20 bill, and the American flag.
I will be replacing Adam Levine on "The Voice."
House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy says I have constitutional authority to make all these changes.
Two-hundred-forty-three years ago, our forefathers put their John Hancocks on the Declaration of Independence, which under my emergency order will be displayed at Mar-a-Lago, with my signature added. The founders pledged to America their lives, fortunes and sacred honor, and tonight I inherit their fortunes. From the Trump International Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters and Spa by Ivanka, this land was made for me.
God bless America, and God bless me.
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter, @Milbank.