Alexandra Petri: Friends, Romans, countrymen: Case closed!

FILE - In this Jan. 29, 2019, file photo, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., speaks to reporters at the Capitol in Washington. One of the only jobs McConnell ever wanted was to be in the Senate. But the majority leader is steadily changing the way the chamber operates in pursuit of a greater prize: reshaping the judiciary. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite, File)

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me, Mitch McConnell, your ears! I come to bury Robert Mueller, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives on cable, whereas the good is often interred deep in the redacted portions of special counsel reports.

I am sure he is an honorable man and made an honorable report.

Yet is not also Attorney General William Barr an honorable man? Which is why it is so upsetting that these Democrat senators — honorable men, which is why I am referring to them with this slightly pejorative adjective — want to accuse him of perjury! Nay, more than that: They would say he did not accurately portray the conclusions of this report.

But this report is done. It did not bear the bad news the Democrats did hope, and they are racked with grief. If I delighted in their grief, I would delight in the sight of them now. But I take no pleasure in thwarting them. I merely do it, at every possible turn, as a painful duty.

Oh, could I but speak of what President Barack Obama did, that set these Russians on ...

Nay, I must speak! You have compelled me. I shall unfold you how he spoke to Mitt Romney — and this was what led them to interfere! It was his weakness set the Russians on! Nay, believe me, for I shall speak at length.

Aye, rend your garments, Democrats! For see where Donald Trump's reputation lies, stabbed through the heart by this vile insistence on continuing to follow up on the conclusions of the report.

Yet Mueller is an honorable man. I would not criticize him, but — it was not good in him to say that Barr's summary of his report was misleading.

What! Accuse a man of misdirection, who did no more than release a letter saying that based on the report the president should be cleared of wrongdoing, though the report did not say so at all?

If each redaction in this document but had a mouth, it would cry out, exonerating the president! I am sure of it.

The real villain is Russia. Russia, that sought to slash and stab at the processes of American justice.

But the real real villain is Democrats. Russia sought to do harm, but the Democrats divided us, claiming that Donald Trump — oh, I cannot continue. My heart has gone out of me to Donald Trump, and I must pause 'til it come back to me.

While we wait for my heart to return, let me take this time to confirm seven new lifetime appointments.

Partisan division wounds the heart of this country, which is why I needs must take this time to blame Russian intervention in our democratic processes on Barack Obama. Yet he is an honorable man, who stabbed the heart of this republic with his weak and weasel words to Mitt Romney! Nay, partisan division is the greatest harm, and the people who create partisan division are Democrats, the enemies of this nation.

Let us cease this partisan division, then. Partisan division is wrought by those who cry out falsely, saying, "Obstruction!" as though it were a word whose meaning one was expected to understand. Sometimes, this word precedes "justice," which I understand and know to mean: not bothering our marvelous, glorious, fearless leader any longer, a man right in all his judgments.

We shall not see his like again. Case closed.

Anyway, we ought to bury this report. That is why I am here, to bury this report. As I said.

Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post

Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.”