Alexandra Petri: Conducting oversight on Trump makes us seem obsessed and creepy, House Republicans worry

House Judiciary Committee Ranking Member Doug Collins, R-Ga., makes an objection to the resolution by Chairman Jerrold Nadler, D-N.Y., left, to subpoena special counsel Robert Mueller's full report, on Capitol Hill in Washington, Wednesday, April 3, 2019. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Look, we can all agree that conducting too much oversight looks kind of ... desperate. It's like, why are you so curious about Donald Trump's finances? Don't you have finances of your own?

On these grounds, the Republicans on the House Oversight Committee would like to distance themselves from all the efforts by the committee to subpoena Trump officials and conduct oversight into the president's finances and potential irregularities in the granting of security clearances. They have lives of their own, and they are being made to look bad by this weird fixation on the president's deeds and dealings.

On Wednesday these Republicans tweeted out a really damning video of Democrats being "obsessed" with the president, demonstrated by their saying "President Donald Trump" or just the word "president" then, later, the words "Donald Trump." Nothing says "obsessed" like mentioning the name of the current president of the United States, sometimes in a tone!

This indicated beyond a shadow of a doubt that Democrats are weirdly focused on this man, just because he happens to be the chief executive of the United States. The president knows how awkward and uncomfortable it is when someone is really, really consumed with thoughts of you while you are totally indifferent to them — or, indeed, to any potential constitutional checks to your power! That’s why he’s blocking his officials from testifying. The awkwardness.

It's so embarrassing that the Democrats keep asking for things. It's like, take the hint! He doesn't want to give you any of this paperwork or testimony you keep requesting! In some cases, this has even led to subpoenas (ew)! Gross, clingy and not what Madison would have wanted. Honestly, it makes it seem like they don't know that everything the president is doing, has done and will do is fine. Does he think he's above the law? Probably not! No further questions!

If people do not want to answer you, you should leave them alone. That was the lesson of the, I think, 93rd Benghazi hearing.

If the Founders knew one thing, it is that when one branch tries to conduct oversight of another branch, it usually looks kind of ... pathetic. Oversight is, like, the most intimate thing one branch can conduct over another. It makes it seem like that branch lacks a rich inner life of its own, or truly fulfilling hobbies. Don’t you have something better to do, legislative branch? Check yourself before you check anyone else.

This isn't even really what oversight is about anyway! An oversight is like when you don't see something coming and that thing was very, very bad, or when you aren't paying careful attention and then later your zeppelin catches fire.

That's what these Republican members think. They are cool Oversight Committee members, not like the embarrassingly needy Oversight Committee members who keep asking questions and demanding documents like a stalker and getting mad when you don't show, to the point of declaring you in contempt of Congress — which just shows how much more invested you are than the other party, and is embarrassing all around.

These Republicans know you’re busy and you’ll show up and ask yourself tough questions when the time is right, if you’re not doing so already in the privacy of your own home. In the meantime, they are here to nod and laugh approvingly at your remarks and make fun of those creepy weirdos who seem so obsessed. Embarrassing!

Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.