“If you buy a box of cereal - you have a voter ID.”
— President Trump to the Daily Caller, sharing an opinion he has expressed before
If you buy a box of cereal, they're going to ask you for voter ID.
And if they ask you for voter ID to buy your cereal, you're going to want to leave right away without getting a jug of milk, because what kind of a grocery is this?
But if you decide you want a jug of milk, you're going to keep coming back to check out, in different outfits, a wig maybe, six or seven times, but you have practice, because that's how you vote, apparently.
And if you keep coming back to vote in different outfits, because that's how you vote, apparently, it's going to turn out that you are ... Kris Kobach?
No, wait, if you keep coming back to vote in different outfits, then of course the president is going to want to be sure that as few votes are counted as possible to stop any alleged hat-related confusion,
And if the president wants to be sure that as few votes are counted as possible to stop any hat-related confusion, you are going to worry about your democracy and wait for a recount, or at the very least for all the votes to get in,
And if you wait for a recount, you are certainly going to want to check if the vote totals reflect any of the ballots sent in by servicemen and women or if they were just like, "No, we're good here," after election night,
And if the vote totals don't reflect any of the ballots sent in by servicemen and women because someone was like, "No, we're good here," after election night, you're going to want to wait for them to be counted,
And if you wait for them to be counted, it will make Marco Rubio want to use a football metaphor that makes limited sense,
And if Marco Rubio uses a football metaphor that makes limited sense, the Internet will yell at him while you wait for the ballots to be counted,
And if you wait for them to be counted, you might get a blue wave,
and if you get a blue wave, they are going to push for a Mueller report,
and if they push for a Mueller report, you know the president is going to want to fire Jeff Sessions and replace him with a bald Hawkeye who hates Marbury v. Madison and loves to lift.
And if the president installs a bald Hawkeye who hates Marbury v. Madison and loves to lift, they are going to want to ask what he was thinking,
and if they send Jim Acosta to ask what he was thinking, Jim Acosta is going to get accused of all the crimes of Grindelwald, which will cost him his press pass.
And if Jim Acosta's crimes of Grindelwald cost Jim Acosta his press pass, CNN is going to want to sue,
and if CNN is going to sue, it is going to make you think of apples,
and if you think of apples, you are going to want to go to the grocery store,
and while you're there, you may as well pick up some cereal.
So long as you have your voter ID.
Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.