When you think of the Resistance, you probably don’t think of a group of senior Trump administration officials. But, you see, that is your mistake. That is exactly what I am, and I am resisting more than any of you, in your hats with your signs.
You may ask: Is President Trump a threat to this country and all that it stands for?
We are all continually traumatized. I don't know how we are going to get through each week.
Trump is completely amoral. Furthermore, he has the memory of a gnat that has recently stunned itself by flying into a windshield. Furthermore, during Cabinet meetings, he is often to be found asking embarrassingly basic questions about things such as What Is The Federal Reserve, Though? and Why Can't We Just Assassinate People? and Why Are We in Afghanistan, Again? (Unlike his predecessors, wise and sensible men, he would not take "just because" as a suitable answer to the third question.) Also, for the first six months of the administration he referred to me as Shouty Dave for no reason I could discern; Dave is not my name, and I do not usually shout.
We leave every meeting having aged eight years. Horror turns our faces even whiter than usual (and they started off pretty white). I entered this administration a comparatively young man/woman; now I am broken and bent with sorrow, and my liver is giving out. Everything he says terrifies me. Every day he could usher in World War III. We tell him this, and it is like water off the back of a duck that has access to the nuclear codes.
I would like to publish this in a newspaper so that someone will read it and feel that there is a steady hand on the tiller, sometimes, except when obviously there isn't. If I get fired by tweet, please know that I stand proudly by these words. My name is Unnamed Trump Administration Official Who Wished To Remain on Background.
But the point is, do not worry. I am here, and I am secretly in charge, kind of, I hope, except when the president takes any action on the public stage over which I have no control, which is quite often, but not ALL the time. That is my point. Sometimes, the administration does something that I would like it to do, and we should all cling to that, like a mariner to a floating sign post that says "IMMIGRANTS NOT WELCOME AND LOOK AT ALL THIS DEREGULATION."
Trump is wrong to say that he is surrounded by a deep state of people working and conspiring to undermine his policies at every turn. He is surrounded by a steady state of people working and conspiring to undermine his policies at every turn, except for those that involve deregulation and stopping Certain People from coming here, which we are all for.
I am not part of the Resistance you think of when you think of the Resistance. I walk through marches with an expression of irritation, and I disdain women and pink hats. The two in tandem are more than I can bear. My biggest complaint about the Trump administration is that the president keeps changing his mind and is less efficient than could be hoped. I do feel that he has done a lot of good things, although I am also terrified that this nightmare straw man full of only bile and bad impulses will maybe do something bad. But he might not! After all, I am there watching him, powerless to stop him unless he is not paying attention.
But I have been resisting as best I know how. I often knock papers off his desk to prevent him from signing them. Once I stuffed an entire memo in my mouth while his back was turned. Another day I knew that it would startle and confuse him to learn that there was such a person as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, so I ran through the White House devouring every newspaper I could see. One day he picked up a red phone and said, "I would like to Start World War III, please, I don't care with whom," and if it had not been for me on the other line pretending to be a dial tone, who can say what would have happened. It is these little things that make all the difference between the unimaginable chaos you see and an unimaginable worse chaos. Once in a meeting he became upset because I made a positive remark about John McCain, and we had to pretend that he had force-choked me to death. My limp form was carried out by aides. But fortunately the next day, he had forgotten, and I was able to keep my position. After Vice President Pence and his rabbit did something that bothered him, we told him that Pence had been sent to the cornfield. Sometimes I call his phone pretending to be the president of France so that he can yell at me and not our ally. He derailed the last meeting we had by making truck noises, and he would not stop even when asked nicely by several other senior officials who will also remain nameless. I am positive he thinks NAFTA is a naughty word for a body part and NATO is a kind of expensive fruit. Honestly, I don't know what he thinks. Sometimes I think his mind is just a loose marble rolling around and if he tilts his head to one side you can hear it. He spent a whole Cabinet meeting asking us what an updog was. Once he made Sean Spicer eat an entire chocolate cake.
The president is completely venal and displays all the worst excesses of the Bad Popes but also Henry VIII during his worst years. He is surrounded by spiders and wolves and other large predators. But I am also there! That is what I am trying to get at. I am there too, which should reassure you.
We should definitely invoke the 25th Amendment, I think, but then I think: Wouldn't it might be worth it if we got to deregulate just a little bit more and make immigrating to this country a little more difficult and painful? Of course it would. Right. We can all agree.
The point is, I think it is America's fault for letting this happen to it. We were, I think, asking for something like this. I wish more people were like McCain.
But don't worry. I am there. I keep thinking we should maybe say something, anonymously, but then I think, what if I just said something more, anonymously.
I am part of the real resistance: the Trump administration. That is what I have persuaded myself to think. Doesn't that reassure you?
Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.” Twitter, @petridishes.