With 2018 safely behind us, we have an opportunity to test how closely you were paying attention to the wild and crazy events that unfolded with the annual year-in-review quiz. (Answers to the questions appear at the bottom).
1. In January, Sen. Orrin Hatch announced that, after serving 42 years in the Senate, he was:
A. Releasing a new album with Kanye West — “Beep! Boop! America, Yeah!”
B. Changing genders
2. In February, Rep. Jon Stanard abruptly quit the Legislature after it was revealed he had solicited a prostitute. The story was noteworthy because:
A. It was the first time a Republican lawmaker had willingly hired a woman for any job.
B. The Legislature is better known for screwing voters.
C. The mental image made the entire state cringe in unison, measuring 4.4 on the Richter scale.
3. Also in February, Mitt Romney filed to run for the U.S. Senate. What was the biggest challenge Mitt faced?
A. Having his mail forwarded to Utah.
B. Finding a perfect pair of “man of the people” blue jeans that still cost at least $200.
C. Packing the “Romney for Senate” buttons left over from his Massachusetts campaign into his carpet bag.
D. Downloading all of the software updates needed to reprogram Romney to interact with Utah voters.
4. Throughout the year, Russell M. Nelson, the new president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, made sweeping changes to the faith’s practices. What was his most controversial change?
A. Allowing chokeholds during church basketball games.
B. Letting young men use a confetti cannon to pass the sacrament.
C. Insisting members refer to him as “the hunky one.”
5. In September, the Senate Judiciary Committee held confirmation hearings for Brett Kavanaugh even as he faced allegations of sexual assault. Why did Utah Sens. Mike Lee and Hatch support Kavanaugh?
A. Lee was convinced that nobody who takes notes with a Sharpie could be a bad man.
B. Kavanaugh was the most qualified unstable beer-swilling rage-aholic nominated to the court since at least Sandra Day O’Connor, maybe even William Howard Taft.
C. They were afraid of what Kavanaugh might do if they didn’t vote for him.
D. They were really hoping he would invite them to take part in a Devil’s Triangle. (You know, the drinking game.)
6. Throughout the summer, wildfires scorched millions of acres across the West and some 340,000 acres in Utah. U.S. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke dismissed suggestions the increased fire activity was due to global warming. What did Zinke say was to blame?
A. Squirrels cooking meth.
B. Diesel-powered trees.
C. Godless liberal environmentalists.
7. In October, legislators and representatives of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints struck a deal with backers of a medical marijuana initiative to replace the ballot measure with language more palatable to the church. What changes did the church want?
A. Hop-heads may only toke on two doobies of reefer each month.
B. Patients seeking a prescription for medical marijuana must watch a videotape of a stern lecture on the dangers of drugs from the late first lady Nancy Reagan.
C. All medical cannabis prescriptions will be delivered to your door by a pair of extremely chatty missionaries.
8. In November, for the first time in state history, voters approved three ballot initiatives, legalizing medical marijuana, expanding health care for low-income Utahns and creating an independent commission to draw political boundaries. Which of the following initiatives were rejected?
A. Proposition 5: A 1 percent sales tax increase to purchase a Trump-style toupee for Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox.
B. Proposition 6: Mandatory subscriptions to The Salt Lake Tribune.
C. Proposition 7: Sen. Daniel Thatcher. Rep. Brian King. Two men enter. One man leaves. Thunderdome!
9. Also in November, San Juan County elected a majority Navajo county commission for the first time in history. How did the sitting white commissioners welcome the new members?
A. With a gift of traditional jewelry looted from an ancient gravesite.
B. Illegally backdating a card congratulating them on their victories.
C. Taking their lands and resources.
10. Before the 4th District race was even final, President Donald Trump slammed Rep. Mia Love, saying, “Mia Love gave me no love and she lost. Too bad. Sorry about that, Mia.” What was most surprising about Trump’s comment?
A. It marked the first time Trump uttered the word “Sorry” to a woman without it being accompanied by Michael Cohen arranging hush-money and a non-disclosure agreement.
B. He wasn’t sorry. He’s never really sorry.
C. If we observe Trump’s marriage to Melania, “no love” seems to be par for the course.
Answers: Congratulations! You got them all correct. Happy 2019!