Walden’s NFL Four Downs: Catchy nicknames and eerie similarities in Week 11

First down

Washington at Panthers, 11 a.m., Ch. 13 • Kirk Cousins is certainly on a roll — two NFC Offensive Player of the Week awards in a span of three games, and no shortage of attention for his eminently GIF-able "You like that?!" exclamation. You know what the man needs now? A nickname.

Might I suggest "Iron Pyrite"? It's quite catchy, I think, and certainly apropos. Three weeks ago, everyone (aside from Jay Gruden, apparently) recognized Cousins for what he was — a turnover machine and a stopgap in the team's perpetually ineffectual search for a franchise quarterback. But suddenly, after putting up pretty good numbers and scraping past the Buccaneers, then torching the Saints two weeks later, there's talk of giving him a long-term contract.

Good luck with that. You know what iron pyrite is? Fool's gold. Seriously, what QB can't torch Tampa and New Orleans at this point? In between, he was his usual awful self in a 27-10 loss vs. the Pats.

You think Cousins is gonna hand the 9-0 Panthers their first loss? You think he's gonna end Carolina's seven-game home winning streak? You think he's gonna end Washington's eight-game road losing streak? You think he can hang with Cam Newton (on the field OR in a dance contest)? You like that now?! Yeah, I didn't think so.

Second down

Broncos at Bears, 11 a.m., Ch. 2 • You wouldn't think a career backup making his first start on his 25th birthday would give Denver a better chance to win than a surefire first-ballot Hall of Famer, but here we are. It's perhaps impolite for Broncos fans to be happy Peyton Manning got yanked last week after having almost as many interceptions as completions and will sit out this week with foot, shoulder and rib injuries, but Manning does, after all, lead the league with 17 picks and has a career-worst 67.6 passer rating.

You know who probably finds Denver's issues fascinating? John Fox. Remember him? The guy the Broncos fired after going 46-18 with four division titles over four years? He's coaching Chicago, and his QB is fellow Denver castoff Jay Cutler, who probably looks a little more appealing to Denver fans right about now, considering he whupped up on the über-elite Rams defense last week. But maybe not — happy to have Brock Osweiler and all, remember?

Third down

49ers at Seahawks, 2:25 p.m., Ch. 13 • The similarities between Washington's and San Francisco's QB situations are a little eerie, no? Mobile, strong-armed guy once thought to be the future of the franchise starts to struggle, then gets benched for a guy who's proven time and again that not only is he incapable of ever being "the man," he's also incapable of not being terrible on a consistent basis.

But what do I know? I'm sure Blaine Gabbert will be great. He was so awesome as Jacksonville's guy back in the day, after all. And who can forget the 185 yards, 2 TDs and 2 INTs he put up as Colin Kaepernick's replacement in the Niners' 17-16 obliteration of a not-at-all-struggling Atlanta team in Week 9?

He's bound to give the Seahawks defense just as much trouble as Carson Palmer did last week. Probably earn a long-term contract, too.

Fourth down

Bengals at Cardinals, 6:30 p.m., Ch. 5 • Speaking of Carson Palmer, you remember that time the master of the pelvic thrust was the Bengals' QB, and he hated the team so much he decided he'd rather sit out and not get paid for six weeks, then get traded to Oakland — OAKLAND — than stay the Bengals' QB?

I'm sure it's all forgive and forget, now, though. After all, Cincy seems to be doing OK with Palmer's replacement, Andy Dalton (last week's loss to Houston and his subsequent demotion at the hands of J.J. Watt from "Red Rifle" to "Red Ryder BB Gun" notwithstanding).

Meanwhile there are some eerie similarities here, too: Palmer is second in passer rating (108.0), Dalton is fourth (104.6); the Cards have a good defense (third in the NFL with yards 316.1 yards allowed per game), the Bengals have one too (10 points allowed in each of their last three games); Arizona wears red, Andy Dalton is red.

So, see? Everyone's happy in the end! Well … except for whoever loses this game.

ewalden@sltrib.com

Twitter: @esotericwalden