‘We’re not meant to be alone’ — The challenges of being LDS and single at Christmastime

It’s a faith that values marriage — a covenant that reaches into the eternities — yet half the adult members in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are single.

For many of them, holidays like Christmas can be especially painful. As families gather around the tree or the piano or the fireplace, singing about the birth of a holy baby, it can make these members all the more aware of their singleness.

Some choose to spend the day alone. Others join family and friends to celebrate Christ’s birth. Some belong to congregations devoted to other singles. Others feel more at home in “family wards,” with members of every age.

We talked with four single Latter-day Saints, whose words have been lightly edited for clarity and length, about their experiences of not being married at this time of year.

MIGUEL CANO

Miguel Cano is a third-generation Latter-day Saint, the grandson of the second Latter-day Saint baptized in Spain. Born in that European nation but reared in several U.S. states, Cano has followed the pattern set for many members. He served a mission to Argentina and earned a degree in graphic design from church-owned Brigham Young University. He also worked in San Francisco, New York and Salt Lake City, where he attended singles wards and family wards. Now, 40-year-old Cano is back in Madrid, where there are no singles wards.

Is it difficult to be single in the church?

It’s difficult to be single regardless. We’re not meant to be alone. As a species, we function in communities and, obviously, the foundation of any community is family. Being in the church adds to that challenge. There’s this whole spiritual and eternal aspect that gives more weight to it, particularly in regards to ordinances. We understand that things can be resolved after this life, but that feels like a cop-out. I want to experience this now. Still, as much as I want to be married, it’s not worth it to be married and in an unhealthy relationship. I am looking for the right connection and the right partner, not just any connection with any partner.

Do you still want to marry?

Very much. I have always been focused on dating and working toward getting married. It’s been a consistent and constant goal that I’m working toward and developing myself to prepare for it. It’s not something that I’ve ever put aside and said, “That’s not for me.”

Have you dated outside the church?

It never goes beyond maybe a few dates. I believe in the restored gospel, and [outsiders] might want to learn and come closer to Christ. You never know. Still, I try to date more in the church, obviously. But it goes deeper than just having the same religion. It’s really, really important for me to connect spiritually. I’ve experienced this with certain relationships where we’ve really rejoiced in Christ together. Being able to find someone that you connect with spiritually at that level is not as common as you think, even within the church.

Is Christmas, a family-centered celebration, hard for you?

It makes you more aware of the fact that you’re single. … My parents are divorced, which brings kind of a greater struggle. We don’t really get together as a family for Christmas. And so I’ve spent a lot of Christmases with close friends. When I was living in Utah, there was a family that kind of adopted me, and I would spend a lot of time with them, including Christmas. That made it fun for me to be with them, because the kids were essentially like my nieces and nephews.

What do you think of single adult wards?

People sometimes like to bash on singles wards, and I can understand why, but I also think that they can be very positive. If I were still in Utah, it would be really difficult to be in a family ward. A singles ward just allows you to connect with other people who are in a similar place and helps create that community. With the singles ward there are people who you can hang out with who don’t have other family commitments. Most of my close friends are all married and have their kids, and that is their biggest priority. So you’re always going to be a little bit on a second tier of importance.

Does being single make you feel abandoned by God?

No. Whatever I do, I still put my trust in God. I don’t feel he’s punishing me. I think he wants all of us to have this. I’ve been able to learn a lot of valuable lessons through being single. It’s helped me to grow. Even though I definitely want to be married, I’m very grateful for my life and how it’s panned out.

AMARA SEEGRIST

A 25-year-old Latter-day Saint living in Salt Lake City, Amara Seegrist is a returned missionary and BYU alum. Being in a large family, she often visits different members during the holiday season. In more recent years, though, Seegrist said she has felt the burden of being single weigh down on her. She now wonders where she fits into her expansive family, if not paired with an eternal companion.

In the years following your mission, what was your dating experience like?

In college, I was in the mindset of going on as many dates as I could and then seeing what happened. After graduating and moving up to Salt Lake, I definitely have become more picky about whom I date and how I date. I’ve been going on a lot fewer Mutual [a Latter-day Saint dating app] dates and meeting people a lot more organically, which is really hard to do when the only place to meet people is your YSA [young single adult] ward.

Do you ever feel pressure from other members to marry?

I noticed that pressure a lot more when I was at school and when I was at BYU. There was a lot more of a push for it. And I’ve had people occasionally in recent years, like ward members, make jokes about it and talk about dating. But I don’t take it personally.

Have you found the holidays burdensome in any way just from being single?

Yeah. The majority of my siblings are already married. Everyone’s older, so they all kind of do their own family things. It’s not like going to my parents for Christmas or Thanksgiving. It feels like when I go to their families for Christmas, I feel like I’m intruding on their special family moments and memories. And I can always go see my parents, but I feel like they’re kind of in their own phase, too. The hardest thing with being single during the holidays is wondering if there’s somewhere that I belong and where I’m not a burden.

Is there anything you would change about dating culture in the church, especially with people around your age?

I feel like I’d like to see young adults being more open to exploring in dating. There’s just a lot of immaturity in it. Especially when I look back at all the 21-year-olds and they’re just fresh off their missions, there’s this mindset of, “I have to find someone, and I have to get married, because I can’t be lonely.” I just wish that people were more comfortable being alone and more comfortable getting to know themselves before tying someone else into it. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t force a relationship and force a marriage.

ADAM MILLETT

Adam Millett is a 31-year-old Bluffdale resident and currently works for the church as a producer for The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square. Millett attended BYU after his mission in Florida and studied public health. He is close with his family and often spends time with them for family dinners and the holidays. After leaving school, it became more challenging for Millett to date, he said. Despite feelings of anxiety with being single, Millet said he is living life to the fullest and finds joy with or without a family.

What was it like when you left BYU and started transitioning into adulthood?

When I moved from Provo to Bluffdale, the YSA wards outside of school had a very different culture and energy there. So I attended the YSA ward for about two or three years before I actually left that ward and started attending my family ward. It felt like the YSA ward had more of a focus on marriage, and that just wasn’t happening [for me]. I was excited to go back to a family ward with the focus more on the gospel.

You often tell friends and family that you feel fulfilled in your life as a single Latter-day Saint. How do they respond to that statement?

The thing to keep in mind is that people don’t believe me because in their mind, being married is the most fulfillment that you could have. Though I agree to an extent — I know that it would be more fulfilling to be able to share these experiences I have with someone else — it’s hard for them to believe that I’m being honest and that I am actually finding fulfillment.

Were there expectations in your family of when you should have been married?

My brother got married right after his mission; my sister, a year after hers. But my parents got married later. My mom was in her mid-30s, and so sometimes I tease her that she shouldn’t be expecting me to get married because I’m younger than she was when she got married.

Has getting married always been a goal for you? Is that something you have wanted to do?

Yeah, definitely. I love my family. I’ve always wanted a family of my own, and I love kids. I’m currently a [children’s] Primary teacher, and that is one of my favorite callings I’ve ever had. But once you leave BYU, those opportunities to meet people, especially in our culture right now, definitely diminish. … So I don’t let my lack of a marriage and lack of a family get in the way of living my life. And so I am still traveling and enjoying all things I would do with a family, but I’m just enjoying it alone.

SARA SUMSION

Sara Sumsion is a 30-year-old Latter-day Saint working in health care administration in the Salt Lake City area. She is from Layton and graduated with a bachelor’s degree in communication from Utah State University. She is also a returned missionary, who served in Independence, Missouri.

Do you feel like the holidays have become burdensome in any way due to awkward conversations about your marital status?

A little bit. I spend the most of my time with my immediate family, and so I don’t have it as much there. But especially on one side of my family, I do feel like when I see them, they don’t know how to talk to me about anything else. And I would love it if they ask, “How is your career going? How is life? How is anything else that’s happening?”

I feel like I get the same rhetoric from extended family members sometimes that I get from the Quorum of the Twelve [Apostles], where they’re like, “Get out there and find a spouse.” I’m like, “What a novel idea. Do you not think that we’re trying that already?” There’s this idea that because we’re still single, we must not be trying hard enough.

Is there a different expectation for you, as a woman, when it comes to marriage?

One hundred percent. I think it’s more much more socially acceptable, especially within the church, to have men be single for longer. If you’re talking about childbearing, men can procreate well into their 60s. I’ve been told for years that my eggs are dying and have been dying since I was like 18. I’ve been told that I better get on that. I’ve even had family members offer to freeze my eggs for Christmas, in case I ever wanted kids.

After watching so many of your friends and family marry, do you feel that this creates some distance between you and them?

For sure. With the exception of one friend, it’s definitely created distance. I know their priority is with their husband, as it should be, but I have noticed that it does put some strain on friendships and relationships.

It really should be emphasized that these are the people who built you to this point. If something, heaven forbid, were to go wrong, you would still want these people to be in your corner and not feel like you abandoned them. You still should have a support system and I don’t think it’s healthy to completely rely on just one person, even if that person is your eternal companion.

In the future, what would you like to see the church or its members do differently to make single adults feel more comfortable in these spaces?

They do a pretty good job. But I think emphasizing that, at the end of the day, the gospel and your relationship to God is an individual thing [would be better]. Me having a husband versus me not having a husband is not going to affect my testimony in any way, shape or form.