As part of its “Unspoken Divide” series, The Salt Lake Tribune asked readers to weigh in on the tensions between current members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and those who no longer affiliate with the faith.
We asked them to self-identify as “Latter-day Saint,” “former Latter-day Saint” or “one foot in, one foot out.”
The Tribune received nearly 1,400 responses, with 539 in the first category, 575 in the second and 239 in the third. Some did not specify.
[Read our extensive story about the divide between Latter-day Saints and former members.]
We asked about their relationships with those on the other side of the divide, how they wished they were treated, and what they would like the others to know about them.
Here are samples of their sometimes inspiring, often heartbreaking, replies — used with permission but listing only the cities where they live:
Latter-day Saints
“When they [loved ones] left, it created feelings of deep sorrow, especially for their children who will grow up outside the church. However, they are still an important part of our life and are as involved with our family as before, except for those occasions that are specifically religious, for example, temple worship.”
— West Valley City
“It can be harder to express yourself. When you have had positive experiences with religion and they haven’t, bringing up religion really brings in different tones. Of course, doctrinal concerns over salvation also can bring a sort of existential anxiety, but I think that only happens because we are making judgments that we’re not qualified to make.”
— Tooele
“What they believe doesn’t matter to our relationship. I’m curious about them and what they believe. I am glad for them that they have (hopefully) found a path to internal peace.”
— Logan
“We each have to make our own path. We should respect those whose paths differ from our own. Fortunately, my friends and family who have left the LDS faith have not made it their ‘mission’ to interfere with my journey. It is a courtesy that we all owe each other.”
— Salt Lake City
“This is not your parents’ LDS Church. There are liberal members of the faith. There are Democratic members of the faith. There are LGBTQ+ members of the faith. There is a place for everyone in Christ’s church, and if Latter-day Saints make you feel otherwise, please ignore them because they are wrong.”
— Midvale
One foot in, one foot out
“I’m still in this phase. At the beginning, I experienced love-bombing and a great deal of attention, and then silence.”
— American Fork
Former Latter-day Saints
“I gave thousands of dollars and my entire life to the church. Serving a mission, five years as bishop, on the [regional stake] high council and other callings … all my time, talents and efforts for over 40 years. When I resigned from the church, all I got was a form letter and pamphlet about coming back and how my life would be terrible without the church. How would I have liked to be treated? It would’ve been nice to at least have been thanked for my service and given some well wishes for my new endeavors. Instead, it felt like a big slap in the face.”
— St. George
“Leaving affected many of my social groups. I noticed that I was being invited less and less to outings. My friends stopped being my friends. Life became a bit lonely for a while. I would have appreciated to have been heard. It would have been nice to keep some of those relationships. Religion is only one aspect of my life. I was still the same individual many of those people knew.”
— Salt Lake City
“For the most part, I’ve been ignored, which in some ways is exactly what I want. I absolutely do not want my ward members reaching out to try and save me. But at the same time it shows how shallow those community relationships really are. I attended my current ward every Sunday for over a decade and felt at least some sort of connection to those people. Now it has been about 2½ years and other than the occasional hello as I walk around the neighborhood, the rest is basically crickets. It just goes to show that the concept of a ward family is just an illusion that is supported by weekly proximity.”
— Logan
“I’m kind of in the middle. It’s less about how members treat you and more what the doctrine and teachings say about nonmembers and the beliefs tied with Satan. The assumption is if you’re out, then Satan got you and that’s awful. ... Plus there’s so much judgment and shame put on nonmembers when you’re in so when you do leave, you can only assume your friends now think that about you. You never can be your true authentic self, and you must tiptoe around beliefs.…The church puts nonmembers in a really hard place, too, because the prophets give advice like ‘don’t take advice from nonbelievers’ or again that Satan is influencing us, so not to trust us. Or, of course, that all ex-members are bitter.”
— American Fork
“I was demoted at work, called to repentance in my extended family, and lost numerous friendships all while being quiet and nonconfrontational during and after my exit. On a family reunion cruise years after I left, I never drank coffee or alcohol in front of my family but was ‘outed’ in front of extended family and co-workers as ‘parading around with my alcohol and coffee’ during the cruise.…Would have been nice to be treated kindly like how my family had regularly treated non-Mormon friends rather than be treated as an ‘apostate.’”
— Salt Lake City
“End the culture of ‘conversion obsession.’ End the absurdity of a thing called ‘apostate.’ End the culture of ‘one true religion’ and we ‘Saints’ are it. That’s just a starter list.”
— Heber City
Note to readers • Tribune development specialist Melanie Urmston contributed to this report. This story is available to Tribune subscribers only. Thank you for supporting local journalism.