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Robert Kirby: Here’s my list of who should get the COVID-19 vaccine first

Amid all the questions surrounding the inoculation is this: Will there be bootleg shots available from Mexico?

Robert Kirby

As drug companies prepare to roll out vaccines against the coronavirus, questions regarding their effectiveness and distribution remain.

As expected, people want to know: How was the vaccine tested? How much will it cost? Will it actually work? And will there be bootleg inoculations available from Mexico?

Principal among the vaccine concerns, however, is “where the hell is mine?”

My attempts to avoid catching COVID-19 thus far have been limited to staying home as much as possible, wearing a mask when I have to go out, distancing from all humans except my grandkids, and petting only the dogs that I know.

As for the availability of a vaccine, I don’t worry about it much. I’m way down the list of those with a priority to be vaccinated.

So far, the vaccines (one of which must be stored at roughly the average temperature of the planet Neptune) will go to high-priority medical personnel and other essential types.

Note: I did NOT make up this list. I did, however, fine-tune it. A little. OK, maybe a lot.

Phase 1 includes ambulance personnel, cops, firefighters and convenience store workers.

Phase 2 goes to people with underlying conditions and those age 65 and older living in care facilities, including jail, prison and detention centers.

Phase 3 (which I think should be Phase 2) includes children, teachers, and those with underlying conditions that put them moderately at risk.

Since when did the elderly and enfeebled become more important than children?

Hey, my father died in September from COVID complications and age. I know the Old Man well enough to promise you he would have been the first to insist that his vaccine be given to a child. And had he the means, he would have shot you if you didn’t.

Phase 4. Finally, we come to my group — everyone else, otherwise known as “The Most Expendable.”

Note • Because of my age and underlying conditions (certain associates, hobbies and drugs) some argument could be made to put me in Phase 2. But that was before the pandemic really took hold and my wife stopped me from eating stuff from off the floor and under the seat in the car.

It’s all a guessing game. No one knows if the vaccine will work on everyone, when exactly it will be available, and how long we’ll have to wait in line for our dose.

In the meantime, let’s stay smart. We can increase our social distancing to 12 feet from the current 6 feet. Start wearing full face masks and safety glasses. No one has yet been able to measure how many germs are cast into the atmosphere by the average human blink.

Enough with the repetitive hand-washing. Take a pair of rubber gloves, pour half a cup of hand sanitizer into each one, and then wear them all day.

This will help speed up the end of the pandemic by at least … who knows?

Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.

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