Earlier this week, a 61-year-old man became furious with his wife over dinner arrangements at a campground on the Provo River. In a rage, he allegedly dragged her to the water, saying that he would drown her.
Witnesses called the cops. The man was arrested and booked into jail after it was determined that his wife had been injured, which sometimes happens when people don’t wish to be murdered.
The story has since made national news. None of the reports specifies what about dinner caused the man to lose his mind and make an attempt on the life of his beloved.
I conducted a private investigation into the matter and — whether you choose to believe me or not — determined with reasonable certainty that the woman had maliciously attempted to serve her spouse broccoli for dinner.
I will not entertain arguments against this finding. There simply exists no other logical reason for attempting to kill someone you once swore to protect and cherish other than that person serving a vile weed for dinner.
Not that I have any experience in the matter. In all the years I’ve been married, I have never made an attempt on my wife’s life. I’ve never even considered striking her.
I have, however, felt provoked. The angriest times I have ever been with my wife were when she:
• Flushed $200 worth of gunpowder down the toilet because she was fed up with explosions in the backyard.
• Told the police where I was when they came to the house because a rocket had gone sideways instead of straight up.
• Wouldn’t let me keep a rattlesnake in a glass cage (even in the garage) so my friends and I could watch it eat mice.
• Bought me a new suit for Christmas instead of the Hawken rifle I wanted.
• Made a casserole that I loved and didn’t tell me for a full year that it contained a certain odious plant.
Know what I did? That’s right: nothing.
Couples will always have differences and even screaming arguments. Matters can even reach a breaking point at which there is no longer any desire for either party to continue in the relationship.
The Old Man raised me on the fundamental concept that real men are afraid of their women. I don’t mean physically. What I mean by being afraid of the woman you love is an abiding concern of not being the man she thought you were and that you swore to be when she married you.
Yes, even if there’s occasionally broccoli for dinner.
Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.