Robert Kirby: The newest American holiday — Indignant Day

Robert Kirby

Three days after celebrating Independence Day, I’m still collecting the debris. Bits and pieces of illegal fireworks are everywhere, covering the street, driveway and lawn.

See, when that stuff explodes overhead, it doesn’t just magically go away along with the lights and noise. It falls to the ground in the form of shredded cardboard, bits of wood, clumps of sand filler, and tiny parachutes.

All told, I think my neighborhood spent thousands of dollars to make the evening memorable for days to come.

I did my part. The neighbors shooting off the high-end booms that littered my yard have melting bits of candy on the roofs of their houses, courtesy of a cannon double-charged with Starburst.

Note: I figured this was safer than fireworks. It’s not. An unwrapped and overheated Starburst returning to earth from about 2,000 feet will leave a mark. So does double-charging a cannon. The last shot of the evening collapsed the gun’s axle.

Anyway, our neighborhood shot off a lot of illegal fireworks in celebration of a day that may soon become illegal in our politically volatile country.

There’s a lot of argument over who and what in our history should be revered. We’re tearing down statues of historical figures who weren’t as nice as we were taught, and calling for the abolishment of holidays that have suddenly become memories of oppression and sin.

A good example would be some people insisting that Independence Day should not be celebrated because not every American became independent in 1776.

Columbus Day obviously has to go because of what the European arrival in the New World did to Native Americans. If such becomes the case, Thanksgiving is probably out as well.

No one I know of has said anything against Veterans Day (yet), but then things have a way of expanding in a hurry.

Might not be long before someone says, “Why should we honor the only military that has ever used atomic weapons against civilian populations? I know what we should do; let’s erect a statue to a draft dodger.”

If you’re a pious individual fully committed to marital fidelity, you might want to think about giving Martin Luther King Jr. Day the boot. For all the good he accomplished, Dr. King had a reputation for philandering.

OK, OK. Some people should continue to be honored because their contributions to humanity far outweigh whatever nastiness they may be guilty of committing.

God is not one of them. So no more celebrating Christmas. Why would anyone want to celebrate the birthday of the person responsible for a lot of us going to hell? And let’s not forget all those biblical plagues and curses we allegedly brought on ourselves.

Really? Why aren’t people out there pulling down churches?

The only national holiday I want to see abolished is Labor Day. I’m lazy. I don’t like working. And I’d like to get a bunch of free stuff without having to earn the money to pay for it.

Until that happens, I’m no longer going to celebrate a day that amounts to forced servitude just so my family can eat and go on vacation.

Speaking of which, you can try to abolish National Cow Appreciation Day (July 14), but I will always celebrate it by eating a steak the size of Abraham Lincoln’s head.

Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.

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