My wife and I were on the sofa watching the morning news Thursday when she popped the question just like she has for the past 25 Decembers. I gave her the same answer.
Wife • “What do you want for Christmas?”
Me • “Hell if I know.”
What could I want for Christmas that I don’t already have? I’m still happily married and debt-free. My girls have good husbands, my grandkids are healthy (though some of them show signs of early-onset Kirbism), and I’m definitely getting more than enough to eat.
“I’m serious,” my wife said. “I have to get you something.”
It’s not the kind of pressure you should put on someone in the middle of the news. So I mentioned the first thing that occurred to me: a Head-Melting Ray Gun (new from Ronco) capable of reducing the head size of anyone (especially if the person is on TV) to the diameter of a raisin.
Really. Just point and shoot. The target’s head begins to deflate and the voice gets squeakier until only a dog can hear it.
Since there’s no such thing as a Head-Melting Ray Gun, my wife said, “Whatever.”
I tend to wear the same clothes until it looks like I shopped in a dumpster, so she’ll probably buy me some new ones so as to avoid the shame of being seen with me in public.
A reader — whose identity I will protect by referring to her here only as Shawna Davis, St. George, Utah — sent me a box of small dentures for Christmas. They turned out to be a dozen Chomping Teeth, plastic dentures mounted on feet that chatter and walk when wound up.
Thanks, Shawna, for giving me the perfect news-coping gift. It’s more edifying to watch the national news now. I’ve already named a few of the Chatter Teeth — Trump, Pelosi, Clinton, Biden, Romney, etc.
NBC’s Lester Holt • “And from the nation’s capital tonight, President Trump responded — “clackety-clackety-clackety-clack.”
That makes way more sense, eh?
What I really want for Christmas are things I can’t have. But I wish for them nonetheless.
For example, I want a Shat-o-Miser, a device that automatically collects dog waste from my yard. I won’t get one for the simple reason it hasn’t yet been invented.
I want the agony of Salvatore Anello, the grandfather of 18-month-old Chloe Wiegand, who fell to her death from the 11th deck of a cruise ship docked at Puerto Rico, to be removed.
For Christmas, I would love to have all missing children show up at my house so we could return them to their families or someone who will care for them. That would be the best present ever.
I also want climate change reversed, plastic bags abolished, and community groups out on the highway picking up trash.
None of that stuff will be under the tree on Christmas morning, but I can still wish for them. They’re more to the point of the season than a Head-Melting Ray Gun.
But if you happen to come across one ...
Robert Kirby is The Salt Lake Tribune’s humor columnist. Follow Kirby on Facebook.