With a pending war all over the news, I would like to offer President Donald “POTUS” (President of Tweet United States) Trump the benefit of my long experience with the country directly to our north.
No, that’s Mexico. Look at the top of the map. Yeah, there. That part is called Canada. And there’s not enough money (or interest) in the United States to build a wall across it.
So here’s my advice to Trump: “Surrender now.”
I’m not kidding. The United States would lose a war with Canada. It’s entirely possible that the Canadian flag would be flying over the White House within a few months.
Note: In the states where marijuana is legal, the maple leaf would be replaced with a silhouette of a cannabis plant. Canadians have always been tolerant of the customs of the countries they have conquered.
Yes, we have a larger military, more bombers, tanks and artillery. We also have a huge nuclear arsenal, chemical and biological weapons.
Canada has zero weapons of mass destruction. So it says anyway. There have been reports of Canada hiding nukes inside moose and letting them wander about undetectable until such time as they need to be rounded up and herded toward a target.
And let’s not forget our venerated Navy SEALs, who could parachute into downtown Ottawa in broad daylight and kidnap Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at a Tim Hortons.
The capture accomplished, the SEALs would then drive him back to the border in a tourist bus — complete with a banner on the side reading “We Got Him! Who’s the hoser now?” — where U.S. Customs would detain him for the better part of a week because of fouled-up documents.
I told you that to tell you this: Despite our decided military advantage and a tough-talking president, we would lose this war. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
My position on this matter is based on 42 years of Canadian experience. I’m married to a Canadian, have traveled extensively in Canada, raised children who are half-Canuck, been pulled over by Mounties, and have a personal addiction to Coffee Crisp candy bars.
I’m a loyal American. I pledge allegiance, stand when the flag passes and am proud of our troops. But I’d leak National Security Agency secrets to the mangiest puckheaded frostback in exchange for a case of Coffee Crisp candy bars.
Me • “Here are the documents you requested, Monsieur Grenouilles.”
Him • “And — voilà — here are your two small candy bars, Américain stupide.”
Like my wife, Canadians are, in the main, friendly, generous and considerate. But all that niceness can disappear in a flash if you don’t act your age. Are you hearing me, Mr. President?
I’m telling you this because you and I have the same problem. We’re immature. We tend to blather to the point of idiocy. We’re rarely considerate of the feelings of others. We befriend people of dubious nature.
Cases in point: you and Kim Jong Un, and Sonny and me. And we married far out of our league.
Finally, we tend to talk our way into trouble more easily than out. From long experience, I can tell you that making a Canadian mad means not only will you not know what hit you, but you won’t even see it coming.
If you don’t believe me, check the White House lawn every morning for moose.