Voices: I’m a grief counselor. Here’s how to handle the holidays after a loss.

Brandon Palmer knows the holiday season has a double edge: It is happy and celebratory; a time when family and friends gather. But it can also be dark and painful for those experiencing grief and loss. Palmer is bereavement coordinator for Salt Lake City-based Intermountain Health. He and a small team of counselors provide grief support, counseling and education for people in Salt Lake and Utah counties. The Tribune asked Palmer how to best support people who are grieving during the holidays.

Holly Mullen spoke with Palmer on behalf of The Salt Lake Tribune. Below is a Q&A that has been edited for length and clarity.

Holly Mullen: Grief and loss are experiences no human can escape. What feelings can we expect upon the dying or death of a loved one, friend or even a beloved pet?

Yes, grief is part of being human. None of us get through life untouched by it. People feel it in different ways, but sadness and yearning are almost always there. Anger, guilt, anxiety, and even relief can show up too, especially when someone has suffered for a long time. Many describe the early days of grief as surreal, like the world suddenly stopped making sense. And as time passes, the feelings don’t disappear, but they do shift. Love, gratitude and moments of peace and joy begin to weave themselves into the loss as well.

Holly Mullen: There is science and data to support grief as a legitimate physical, mental and emotional condition, right? It’s not just in our head?

Yes. Science now confirms what grieving people have always known, that loss affects the whole body. Neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor, in her book “The Grieving Brain,” explains that grief activates the same parts of the brain that form our closest attachments. When someone dies, the brain struggles to update its internal “map,” which is why we sometimes reach for the phone to text them or expect to see them walk through the door. Her follow-up book, “The Grieving Body,” shows how grief shows up physically too: exhaustion, poor sleep, appetite changes, inflammation and a weakened immune system. Mentally, people often describe feeling foggy or forgetful. During grief, the body and brain try to find balance again after connection has been so disrupted.

Holly Mullen: What is grief’s purpose?

Grief is how we learn to live in a world that’s changed. It’s our mind and body’s way of recalibrating after a significant loss. Trauma and grief scholar George A. Bonanno says that sadness helps us slow down and reflect so we can absorb the reality of what’s happened. It gives us space to make sense of life without the person we love. At the same time, our sorrow shows in our faces, voices and gestures, signaling to others that we need care. In that way, grief can also help us receive empathy and connection from friends and family.

Holly Mullen: Best way to approach someone who is grieving?

There’s no perfect script for comforting someone who’s grieving. What feels comforting to one person can sting for another. But a few things are usually very unhelpful, especially phrases that start with “at least,” as in “at least they’re no longer suffering” or “at least you had time to say goodbye” can minimize their pain. A simple “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you” can mean more than anything rehearsed.

Holly Mullen: If I am grieving this holiday season, what are the best things I can do for myself?

Holly Mullen: When does grief go away?

As renowned grief expert William Worden once noted, “ ‘When does grief go away?’ ” is a bit like asking “How high is up?’” Grief doesn’t ever really go away because love doesn’t ever go away.

Holly Mullen: I’ve heard of something called “continuing bonds” in the grief process. Can you explain that?

Continuing bonds are the ways we keep our loved ones close, even after they’re gone. Instead of “letting go,” we learn how to carry the relationship forward. Keeping certain items, maintaining familiar routines, or having quiet rituals, like talking to your loved one, visiting places that remind you of them, or simply thinking about them, are all natural ways people stay connected after a loss.

Holly Mullen: Finally, Palmer offers a few good resources for people who are grieving or for their loved ones and friends. And Intermountain Health offers bereavement support, as well.

Brandon Palmer has a bachelor’s degree in religion from Liberty University in Virginia and will receive his master’s of Thanatology (death, dying, and bereavement study) in December from Edgewood University. He lives in Davis County.

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