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Voices: Actually, we should talk politics at the holiday table

Here are 3 tips for navigating tough conversations

President Lyndon Johnson is seated at head of table, as family and friends gather for Thanksgiving Day dinner at the LBJ Ranch in Stonewall, Texas, Nov. 25, 1965. (AP Photo/Charles Tasnadi)

It can be tempting to lean into the idea that you never talk politics or religion at the dinner table…but what if you could? At their worst, conversations drive us apart, make us feel judged, unsafe, or unseen. At their best, they can connect us, build trust, and help us understand each other.

At Living Room Conversations, where I’m the Executive Director, we enable thousands of conversations every year with people who have differing beliefs and experiences. Over the past eight years of talking to people around the country, I have learned people crave connection, we all want to be heard and understood, and we can replace judgment with curiosity.

I come from a family that covers nearly every point on the political spectrum. We have avid Trump supporters, Bernie Sanders enthusiasts, libertarians, and avid consumers of Fox News as well as MSNBC. I sense our differences, and I’m not alone.

Earlier this year a study showed the word most commonly used to describe America today is divided. When we let assumptions about our differences take over, our relationships suffer. One in two adults are estranged from a close relative and for 1 out of five of those people, the problem is political differences.

I understand the temptation to lean away from our differences and avoid the conversation, but our silence usually reinforces the divide. It doesn’t have to be that way.

What would talking about politics around the dinner table look like? Why would you want to engage or avoid the conversation? What would it take for you to feel comfortable talking politics around the dinner table?

When you know how to talk about these hard things, and more importantly, how to listen (not to rebut but to understand), we discover context and common ground. Here are some prompts and tips that have helped me the most, both professionally and personally.

1. Stories over opinions

You have likely experienced a whirlwind of opinion when a social or political issue comes up at the dinner table. Voices raise, others go silent, and tension looms over the carefully planned and executed meal. All the while, we’re making a lot of assumptions about each other, perhaps even feeling a bit smug because we “knew this would happen.”

When this happens, you can bring the conversation back together with simple prompts that help you to replace judgment with curiosity and shift the conversation from opinion to storytelling. If you hear something jarring ask yourself, “where did that come from?” and use one of these questions:

  • I know you have strong opinions on this topic. Is there anything you see day to day that makes you question that belief?
  • Can I share an experience I’ve had around this topic?
  • I’m curious to know what everyone else’s experiences are. What are we missing?

    • 2. Practice over intervention

    It’s possible you have a group text thread and you’re already discussing how you’re going to combine forces to defeat the opinions you disagree with or silence a particular person on a particular topic. This isn’t about convincing others that we’re right and they’re wrong. It’s about trying to understand where others are coming from, even when you disagree with them. This takes practice.

  • Join a conversation on your own to gain some skills and confidence and practice listening for meaning and feeling rather than content.
  • Walk and talk beforehand — this works really well if you have a wild card in the family, or someone you want to make sure you understand better before you gather as a group.
  • Have a potluck where guests choose from a buffet of questions designed to build connection and draw out experience over opinion.

    • 3. Intentionality over happenstance

    While you could be blindsided by a relative’s social media post or waylaid by a friend’s political rant at the grocery store, the holidays are ripe with opportunities for intention.

  • Think about your gathering and where it makes sense to build in moments for conversation and connection.
  • Let your guests know what your intention is and why. “I want us to be able to talk in a way that helps us understand each other better rather than avoid certain conversations.”
  • Invite them to contribute to the effort. “What would help you feel more comfortable bringing politics to the dinner table?”

    • Looking to plan my own family gathering, I was perusing cookbooks and found this nugget of wisdom, “The table is my favorite place to love people well, and it’s a favorite place for all of us to feel loved” (Lazy Genius Kitchen). You and your family deserve to be open and honest and supportive of one another. Even and perhaps especially if it’s hard.

    Becca Kearl is the Executive Director of Living Room Conversations working to shift social and cultural norms toward respect and connection as a solution for isolation, toxic polarization, and violence. In addition to her role at LRC, she dedicates time to coalition work at the city, state, and national levels. Becca lives in Provo with her husband and five children.

    Becca Kearl is the Executive Director of Living Room Conversations working to shift social and cultural norms toward respect and connection as a solution for isolation, toxic polarization, and violence. In addition to her role at LRC, she dedicates time to coalition work at the city, state, and national levels. Becca lives in Provo with her husband and five children.

    The Salt Lake Tribune is committed to creating a space where Utahns can share ideas, perspectives and solutions that move our state forward. We rely on your insight to do this. Find out how to share your opinion here, and email us at voices@sltrib.com.

    By Becca Kearl | For The Salt Lake Tribune