Ruth Zimmer: How I learned to grow from having a transgender child

Mothers will do whatever is necessary to keep their children alive. Physicians take an oath to first do no harm. So, as a mother and a physician, I was determined to follow these long-standing credos and do whatever I had to do to keep my child alive.

This started for me in earnest almost 12 years ago, when my carefree, always looking on the bright side of things child began to disappear before my eyes. I assumed it was hormones, emotions and navigating the world as a teen. Not easy.

I did what the experts suggested. I kept the door open and didn’t overreact to things I might not want to hear. I kept the conversation going when my child came to me after months of angst, sleepless nights, eyes constantly brimming with tears, and said, I think God made a mistake. I think I was supposed to be born a boy.

Thus began our family’s long and difficult journey. My worry was that he might be one of the 50% of young transgender youths who killed themselves at that time rather than deal with the judgment and challenges society throws their way.

We were early in this societal change to understanding what it means to be transgender and we frequently felt alone and unsure. We discussed moving from Utah to a place that was more accepting. A larger community where he didn’t have to be a trailblazer. But we stayed and fought for his rights. We had a bag packed just in case we had to leave if child protective services knocked on our door because someone didn’t agree with what we were doing to save our child’s life.

He still suffers panic attacks and PTSD from worrying about being taken from us or not being allowed to be who he is. He lost a cherished job because he stood up for the rights of other LGBTQ+ individuals when their humanity and right to be themselves were debated on the editorial pages of the local newspaper.

We grew emotionally, spiritually and intellectually from our journey. Our responsibility to stand up for others who may not be able to stand up for themselves became quite apparent. We were lucky. We had access to information and medical care that not everyone does and our son had our absolute support. We had and have each other for support and unconditional love when uninformed questions are carelessly shot our way. Parts of our community questioned us and our son’s right to be who he is, others supported us wholeheartedly.

There are some in our community who have not been as fortunate as we have. Some who came from families and communities who did not support them have chosen to end their lives because they felt so alienated and isolated. We actually have an epidemic of suicide among our teenage children.When politicians in other states make laws that prevent parents from saving the life of their children, I understand how those mothers feel and my heart breaks for them and their children.

The compassion, understanding and care that comes from adversity like my son has had to experience enrich all of our lives. I am forever grateful that I was allowed to help save his life. We are all richer when people like my son are invited into society and accepted for who they are.

Ruth Zimmer, M.D., is an anesthesiologist in Salt Lake City who recently moved from Park City, where her children were raised.