Wayne Wilson: I come to praise Trump, not to defeat him

President Donald Trump gives thumbs up from the Blue Room Balcony upon returning to the White House Monday, Oct. 5, 2020, in Washington, after leaving Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, in Bethesda, Md. Trump announced he tested positive for COVID-19 on Oct. 2. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

One of William Shakespeare’s most famous speeches is given by Mark Antony in the play “Julius Caesar.” Several Roman senators, fearing that Caesar is seeking a crown, assassinated him on the floor of the Senate. Antony begs the conspirators to speak a eulogy and promises that he will not disparage the murderers. So with that context, and apologies to the Bard, I offer the following inspired by Act 3, Scene 2 of the play:

Friends, U.S. citizens, countrymen, lend me your ears;

I come to praise Donald Trump, not to defeat him.

He hath stated that he is a stable genius:

It does seem true that he hath not paid any income taxes, perchance it is because he is smarter than everyone else. So, too, has he dodged business obligations by leveraging numerous bankruptcy proceedings to avoid catastrophic personal financial losses.

I come to praise Donald Trump, not to defeat him.

He hath declared that he is a great leader:

Consider that he hath insulted our allies and preened before our enemies. All the while destroying progress on issues facing our earthly world like climate change and population control. Hurricanes devastate our homes, Satan’s own hellfires burn the hills and the valleys, and the oceans are rising to destroy our coastal cities. And yet Donald Trump prefers black gold for himself and his buddies above clean air and water and for our posterity.

I come to praise Donald Trump, not to defeat him.

He hath numerous close friends and associates:

Large numbers of these comrades have been discovered taking unfair advantages of government and private institutions and are now imprisoned for their miscreant deeds. Many do not stay incarcerated because he unties their bonds and welcomes them into his bosom.

I come to praise Donald Trump, not to defeat him.

He claims to have insights into diseases and pestilences that baffle our wise and studied women and men of letters:

He has hidden information from we, the stinking-breathed masses, so as not to alarm us. He has introduced mysterious strange brews as cures for maladies that plague all of the people.

I come to praise Donald Trump, not to defeat him.

He hath told us that he owns wealth beyond our imaginations:

He hath instituted large tax cuts for himself and his comrades in oligarchy.

I come to praise Donald Trump, not to defeat him.

He hath great power over women:

He is very selective of the women he allows within his private circle; only the most beautiful need worry if he looks in their direction. He does not hesitate to invade their personal space nor need to seek their opinion nor permission; he takes what he wants.

I come to praise Donald Trump, not to defeat him.

It is appropriate to praise him, as he will insist that he won the upcoming election regardless of the actual tally of votes. If we do not praise him, he will make our lives even more miserable.

O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,

And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;

My breath is in the Donald Trump chokehold,

And I must pause till it come back to me.

These so-called praises remindeth me of the foolish ancient King Lear;

Whom did destroy his own kingdom, his family, and himself.

To our chariots! Let us ride with Biden and to victory in November!

Wayne Wilson

Wayne Wilson, West Jordan, was first exposed to Shakespeare in high school. “Julius Caesar” was the first of his plays he studied, and he has been hooked ever since. This year is the first year since 1981 that he has not attended the Utah Shakespeare Festival.