Alexandra Petri: We hold these truths to be self-evident. Terms and conditions apply.

Acting Director of United States Citizenship and Immigration Services Ken Cuccinelli, speaks during a briefing at the White House, Monday, Aug. 12, 2019, in Washington. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

“Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet and who will not become a public charge.”

-- Acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services Ken Cuccinelli, on NPR

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, among these life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.*

*Some terms and conditions apply.

Please read the fine print on the "American Dream." Those things on the flag you mistook for stars were really asterisks.

Dream is not valid for all residents. Purchase necessary to participate and win. Larger purchase may increase likelihood of successful outcome. Offer of public support is only valid for those with income of six figures and above; free enterprise without assistance is available to all. Offer may not be valid in all jurisdictions.

Life, liberty and pursuit of happiness promotion may expire at any time. Offer of life may be invalid after birth; consult with your insurance provider. Do not operate heavy machinery. Offer of life may not be combined with other promotions (right to bear arms). Offer is not transferable.

Promise on Statue of Liberty is to be taken seriously, not literally. The manufacturer accepts no responsibility for huddled masses yearning to breathe free and is not liable for damage to you or your dreams.

Void where prohibited. When using Fourth Amendment, standard messaging and data rates apply. Fourteenth Amendment protections may be limited in your local branches of government.

Offer of free speech may not be valid for non-corporations and may be void where prohibited. Offer of free press may be limited to stock on hand and does not guarantee access to opinions critical of current administration. Offer of religious freedom may be limited to in-store options that permit you to refuse service to those of whom you disapprove.

In rare cases, pursuit of happiness may be fatal.

The Trump administration reserves the right to extend, modify, eliminate or reduce this promotion at any time.

Promotions have no cash value.

It's a free country. (Prior purchase required.)

As a nation, we begin by declaring that “all men are created equal.” We now practically read it “all men are created equal, except negroes.” When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read “all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and catholics.” When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty -- to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocracy.

- Abraham Lincoln, 1855

Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post

Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.

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