Alexandra Petri: Why I have yet to denounce the president’s racist remarks

I had a very busy week, and I forgot.

Oh, yes, I am sure I would certainly very loudly denounce them as would my colleagues, but you see I cannot yet, because I died.

Also I don't know what a tweet is.

Also a big bird flew through the window and scooped up my phone in its beak and dropped it into a river, so even if I was going to, you see now I cannot!

Also I am becoming a bird.

Also CAW! CAW! CAW! NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!

Also I have this condition where if anyone forces me to think hard at all about anything the president has said or done, I start to melt and then catch fire.

Seriously, my whole worldview is hanging by a very fragile thread! Please, nothing further.

Also I am invisible. You cannot see or hear me.

Also I would, but I am not a statesman any more! I spend all my time on John Boehner's riding mower going around his lawn in slow circles with a martini! You have come to the wrong place, cowboy! I haven't done that sort of thing for a long time!

Also I made a vow of silence unto the Lord. Oops!

Also, oh, no, I suddenly forgot how to read, so the words in front of me are all meaningless now, little squiggling black worms in milk.

Also there was a power outage somewhere in the country, so out of respect, I could not, absolutely could not, turn on my phone.

Also my phone fell out the window.

Also the Internet, I hear, fell into a lake.

Also I didn't see you there.

I did denounce him already, surely I did! I am no coward! Did you not see it? Well, it was there! Oh, this racist remark? This new one? No, that was — never mind.

I would have denounced him, but you see, I was attending a rally to express support for his views.

I got stuck.

Out of respect for my wife, I cannot say anything positive about another woman, even a colleague.

I will denounce him, absolutely I’m going to, I swear as soon as I put on my glasses. [*Throws glasses out window, steps on them*]

I would, but the cat got my tongue and then the cat died STILL STUCK IN THAT POSITION!

Je ne parle pas l'anglais!

I would denounce his comments, but aren't you the ones always saying his tweets are a scheme to distract you from the real issues?

I would, but I agree with them.

Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter, @petridishes.