“Even before the investigation ended, several people who said they had information that could be useful said they ended up mired in bureaucracy when they tried to get in touch with the FBI.”

— The Washington Post, Oct. 4, 2018

“The FBI’s report is available at a sensitive compartmented information facility, or SCIF, in the Capitol Visitor Center, a secure room designed for senators to review sensitive or classified material, two Senate officials said. Just one physical copy of the report is available, and only to senators and 10 committee staffers cleared to view the material.”

— The Washington Post, Oct. 4, 2018


We hear you have information to share with the FBI about Brett Kavanaugh! We have streamlined the tip process as much as possible in hopes of getting right to the bottom of this.

With that in mind, please call the indicated hotline. The person who picks up will direct you to a dedicated drop box, in which you will find a crumpled sheet of paper with GPS coordinates, which will guide you to an underground vault where you will encounter a hanging sword and a flask. (You will not be able to lift the sword until you take a swig from the flask.)

Once you have entered and swigged from the flask, hide behind the door to the vault. When the troll who dwells there returns home, strike off all three of his heads at once, using the sword. You must strike the three at once, or they will grow back, and the FBI will not be able to contact you.

In a hollow tooth of the troll's third head is a key. Use the key to unlock the inner door of the vault, where you will find a telegraph machine, with a telegraph operator slumbering over the controls. She alone can transmit your message, but to awaken her, you must find and blow three blasts on the silver horn that hangs just east of the sun and west of the moon in the heart of the glass mountain, which is a castle.

The glass mountain (which, again, is a castle) is easily reached by whatever mass-transit project is under construction in your area. Ride it to the end of the line, then go to the bathroom. Stand there a day and a night until, in the other stall, you see two pairs of feet that do not look like human feet. Knock three times on the partition. If the creature with two pairs of feet that do not look like human feet does not knock back, wait for it to leave, then go home without ever looking behind you, and thank whatever gods you worship that you escaped so easily. If it knocks back, come out. This is your steed.

Do not look it directly in the eyes, or I cannot say what will befall you. Climb on its back and ride until you come to the house of the North Wind. The North Wind will pose you a simple riddle to make certain you are approaching the FBI in good faith. Do not be alarmed by the many skeletons of those who failed to answer the North Wind's riddle! This has caused problems for people in the past.

When you have answered the riddle, the North Wind will give you a golden spindle. Something similar will happen when you reach the house of the South Wind, who will give you a golden skein of yarn, and in the house of the West Wind, where you will be given a golden ball. Now your steed will take you to the glass mountain on the back of the West Wind. The castle is locked and barred. Do not be deterred.

Stand outside and play with your golden spindle. An old crone with a pile of paperwork will approach you. Tell her you will give her the golden spindle if she helps you complete the paperwork. Her sister will come to see what is happening. Her sister is the custodian of the polygraph machine. Do not give her your yarn until she lets you access it. The final sister holds the key to the glass mountain. Give her your golden ball.

Enter the glass mountain, looking neither to right nor to left, and you will find the silver horn. Your steed will bear you back to the vault where the telegraph operator slumbers. Blow three blasts upon the horn, and when she awakens, tell her what you know. She will send your information to the proper authorities, where it will be processed as soon as it is received, by an agent who will whisper your information into a bank of reeds that will keep whispering it forever.

Oh, you wanted it to reach the Senate? Then I have no idea.

See also: “Directions for Accessing the FBI Report (During the Blood Moon If You Approach the SCIF Not Walking and Not Riding, Not Hungry and Not Full, Not by Day and Not by Night, In Alternating Shifts of an Hour by Party)”

Alexandra Petri | The Washington Post

Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of “A Field Guide to Awkward Silences.” @petridishes