I might have heard a time or two that I am “strong-willed” and “intimidating.” (Those are among the printable things I’ve been called, anyway.) Often, those comments are followed by a question like, “How did you convince your husband to ‘let’ you adopt/run for public office/go back to school/do international humanitarian work?”
I’ve always found that question somewhat perplexing. There is no “let.” We make decisions together. And, let’s be honest, no one “accidentally” adopts.
All too often in today’s entertainment world, men are portrayed as either overbearing to the point of being abusive or they are portrayed as weak and silly. In either case, they are almost always portrayed in an unequal relationship with their spouse, especially when it comes to parenting. They’re either the authoritative disciplinarian or the incompetent father who can’t figure out which end of the baby to diaper.
That inaccurate portrayal does a disservice to good men everywhere. Many men are working on being true partners to their wives, including in their parenting responsibilities. They are hands-on dads who work in concert with the mother of their children, rather than operating as two separate entities that only occasionally touch base. They love being a dad and they take it seriously. My husband, for example, gets annoyed if someone asks if he is “babysitting.” He always replies, “No, I’m parenting. They’re my kids, too.”
Families where both spouses are equal partners might be a new concept to some who are used to a hierarchal model, but I am a firm believer that the healthiest families are built on partnership models.
Dr. Julie Hanks, an expert in family relationships and founder of Partnership Families, describes the partnership model as one that “highly values caretaking of others,” where nurturing is not just “women’s work” but a “shared responsibility of all family members, which allows for more flexibility and cooperation.”
Hanks outlines the eight “C’s” of partnership families on her website by the same name. Those are Cooperative adult leadership, Connection, a Caretaking emphasis, Collaborative roles and rules, a Celebration of all contributions, Compassionate Communication, Conscious language use and the Creation and Collection of partnership stories.
Those eight C’s emphasize things like mutual decision-making, a focus on developing secure attachments, valuing and sharing caretaking duties, fluidity in gender expectations and a de-emphasis on gender differences and honoring both the “masculine” and “feminine” in each individual.
Additionally, members of partnership families include partnership-themed stories, including stories of the feminine divine, celebrate each other and support each other’s creative work.
In my own partnership marriage, I could not ask for a better cheerleader than my husband. A true introvert, he was willing to step outside his comfort zone, knock doors and talk to strangers when I was campaigning. He not only encouraged me to go back to school but to “go big” and pursue a Ph.D. He has shared most parenting responsibilities from day one (he still doesn’t “do” blood - I don’t pass out, so that one’s all mine) and even though I’ve been the one who has been the stay-at-home parent, we have been “equally yoked” and on the same team.
We need strong fathers and strong mothers. We need stalwart and tender men who value partnerships to help raise the next generation of men and women who will grow up expecting an equal partnership.
The late Rev. Billy Graham said: “A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.” Thank you for all the good you do. Happy Father’s Day!
(Photo Courtesy Holly Richardson)
Holly Richardson loves being equally yoked with her husband and seeing her sons become hands-on dads and partners. Follow Holly on Twitter @HollyontheHill.