On March 15, 2018, at 12:30 p.m., something happened that I never dreamed I’d see.
I had just spent 90 minutes participating on Brigham Young University’s LGBTQ & SSA Student Forum panel with Kait Wright, Sarah Langford and Gabe Cano. Each of these people is a dear friend. We were selected to represent each of the letters in the acronym LGBT. I was the G.
We had all been vulnerable, honest and hopeful as we answered questions from the audience, not mincing words as we discussed tough experiences. Then, as the panel ended, the completely packed auditorium burst into applause and a sincere standing ovation. As I watched hundreds of people rise from their seats, my eyes welled with tears.
As I discussed this moment later with my straight friends, some of them explained what if felt like to be in the audience applauding. They applauded the panelists because of our courage to openly share our stories. They were validating our life experiences and our engagement with faith, belief, love, acceptance and contradiction. They were celebrating us because of the courage it takes to not give up or feel bitter while reconciling our faith and our unique circumstances.
Later that day I read some news stories about the event, including one from The Salt Lake Tribune. I felt slightly misrepresented. Part of the article stated, “Ben Schilaty is still figuring it out,” referring to my connection to God. I don’t recall saying that, and that’s definitely not how I feel.
Three friends of mine who have struggled with their faith since coming out sat on the front row. Whenever a panelist said a comment they really liked, they would raise their hands in the air and snap, demonstrating their approval. After the panel, they asked if their snapping was distracting.
I said, “I actually appreciated it. I’m sorry that I’m so Mormon all the time.”
One of them put her hand on my arm and said, “We love that you’re so Mormon, Ben. You be you.”
While our belief systems may currently differ, they respected me enough to celebrate mine.
As one of the moderators was sharing her final thoughts, Sarah turned on her mic and interrupted the other moderator: “I felt really compelled to say this. I need all of you to know that Liz [Darger] and Steve [Smith] are just a small sample of the administration and faculty and staff here at BYU that are doing everything they possibly can to make this a better place for the LGBTQ members here at BYU. I am a witness that there are people here advocating for you at every level of this university and that you can trust them. And I just wanted to say thank you publicly.”
One of the last moments of the event was when Liza Holdaway asked anyone in the room who identified as LGBTQ or same-sex attracted, and who felt comfortable doing so, to stand. Probably about a fifth of the room stood, nearly 100 people, and the audience erupted into applause. I was deeply moved as my straight peers clapped for my LGBTQ & SSA family.
Straight members of the audiences applauded, I later learned, for the courage it took to stand up and be seen. There was a recognition that everyone wouldn’t be walking out the doors that day with the same beliefs and understanding, but that there would continue to be a diversity of experiences and opinions.
However, the LGBTQ & SSA students left feeling loved, validated and a little better understood. I believe it was a healing evening for students who have felt marginalized. There was an understanding that day that, until we see each other as brothers and sisters, we’re not yet where we need to be.
The world hasn’t felt different to me yet. My world feels pretty much the same. And yet it’s not the same. The campus community at BYU is having a conversation that I have not seen happen before. I can’t wait to see what having this conversation will do for all of us, as we listen to and love and serve each other as individuals.
Ben Schilaty
Ben Schilaty studies social work at Brigham Young University, where he also teaches Spanish. He is gay, LDS and writes a blog about his experiences at benschilaty.blogspot.com.