Last week, special counsel Robert Mueller sent attorneys for President Donald Trump a list of 49 questions related to his ongoing probe of Russian meddling in the 2016 election.

The New York Times obtained a leaked copy and these questions actually told us an awful lot about what the special counsel knows and where the investigation might be headed.

Well, now I have obtained a list of additional questions that were not included — and, let’s face it, were not actually prepared by Mueller’s office. But they are some questions I think we all would like to have answered.


To: President Donald J. Trump

From: The Office of Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller

Subject: Follow-up interrogatories pursuant to the special counsel’s ongoing investigation

As part of this office’s continuing work, we have assembled a list of additional questions that we would like answered. Please review and provide your responses in the form of a nonsensical Tweet (or a string of incoherent Tweets) no later than May 15.


Hypothetically, if we have obtained videos from your various romps with prostitutes in Moscow hotels, can you recommend a good therapist for the poor deputy prosecutor who might have to watch them?

Has anyone heard from Jared Kushner recently? Should someone check to make sure your son-in-law is OK?

Can the Utah Jazz beat the Houston Rockets without Ricky Rubio? Please explain why you believe that to be the case.

Were you surprised the villain in “The Avengers: Infinity War” was named Trumpos and his plot to destroy The Avengers consisted largely of conspiring with evil Russians?

Do you think we should have put “spoiler alert” before that last question?

When one is hooking up with an adult film star on the sly, does the porn-funk music kick on automatically or do you have to queue it up on Spotify?

In his new book, former FBI Director James Comey compares you to a Cosa Nostra mob boss. How do you plan to have him rubbed out? Will you hurt his family, as well? Also, in this analogy, does Eric Trump get to play the role of Fredo Corleone?

Have you read Comey’s recent book? Follow-up: Have you read a book?

When you decided to fire Comey, how did the Kremlin react and was Vladimir surprised?

No, seriously, what’s his deal?

You have tweeted that there could be no obstruction of justice because there was no crime committed. Please provide, as you understand them, the definitions of the words “obstruction,” “crime” and “collusion.” Bonus question: Define “Russia.”

In your upcoming meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, which world leader will have the goofiest hair and which will have the smallest hands?

When you fire Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and Mr. Mueller, would you please include as many glaring spelling and grammatical errors as possible in your Tweets? I mean, wouldn’t that just be hilarious in the Articles of Impeachment?

Do you agree it was amateurish for Michelle Wolf to make a joke about Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ eyeliner at the recent White House Correspondents’ dinner? Which would have been the best joke: calling her a fat slob (like you did with Rosie O’Donnell) or ugly (like you did to Carly Fiorina) or mocking her for menstruating (like you did with Megyn Kelly)?

Given the number of your attorneys who have quit (or been raided by our office) in recent months, where would you like us to send your subpoena?