There was a time not that long ago that caucus night in Utah was a big deal. It was that precious opportunity for voters to get involved in grass-roots democracy and really make their voices heard in the first step toward nominating candidates.
Caucuses were imperfect, too often being co-opted by the most radical elements of both parties that chose delegates, who then went to conventions and subsequently picked candidates that too often didn’t really represent mainstream Utahns.
Now, with a signature-gathering path to the primary ballot firmly in place, the caucuses are probably going to be even more of a gathering of the fringe than they were before.
But maybe you are a true believer in old-time democracy, or maybe your cable is out and you need something to do Tuesday night. Either way, here is a handy guide to get you ready to attend your local political caucus.
Step 1: Find your meeting
If you’re a Democrat in most of Utah, your caucus meeting may be quite a drive from your home and held in a facility able to accommodate the number of people expected to attend — say, a Toyota Prius. But that makes the driving easier.
If you are a Republican, given all the current party infighting in Utah these days, the easiest way to locate your caucus is to follow your nose to the unmistakable odor of burning garbage.
(If you want actual locations, go to vote.utah.gov.)
Step 2: Get prepared
There’s plenty to do to be ready for caucus night. If you’re a Republican, you should be sure to read or re-read Cleon Skousen’s seminal work, “The Five Thousand Year Leap,” so you’re ready to converse with the right wing of your party.
Afterward, pick up a generous amount of tin foil and fashion it into a hat. You’ll get bonus points if you can make a “Make America Great Again” baseball cap. It’s a powerful fashion statement, covers your thinning wisps of yellow hair, and keeps the government from monitoring your brain waves.
Democrats, you have it a little easier. Practice looking concerned. No, concerned and genuinely pained. That way you’re ready for just about any issue — racism, sexism, gender equality, the environment, education, abortion rights, gun violence, the season finale of “The Bachelor.” All of it. It’s all bad and you feel it all very deeply.
For those who have mastered concern and are ready for something more challenging, go with angry. The Trump presidency has made it perfectly acceptable to be mad as hell and unwilling to take it anymore.
It’s also useful to put together a list of excuses in advance for why the party’s candidates almost always lose.
Step 3: Get chosen as a delegate
If you’re a Democrat, and outside Salt Lake City, this is usually pretty simple. Show up. Having a pulse is a plus, but they’re not that choosy.
For Republicans, especially in, say, Utah County, you’ll probably have to run a gantlet that includes vowing devotion to Ronald Reagan, waving around the pocket Constitution you were given by Sen. Mike Lee, and probably floating a theory about secret combinations of Republican officials plotting to bring down the caucus system so the wingnuts can’t run the party anymore (although don’t refer to other caucus attendees as wingnuts — they don’t care for that).
Step 4: Get informed!
Gather copious amounts of information via sketchy Russian bots on social media. That way you’ll know which candidate is leading a cult or running a puppy slaughtertorium out of the basement of your neighborhood family pizza restaurant.
Just remember: If it’s on the internet, it’s true, so save time and don’t bother checking it out.
You’ll also get a unique opportunity to meet face-to-face with dozens of candidates for office, giving you special insight into how unqualified most of them really are.
Once you’ve done your homework, you’ll attend your party’s convention and cast your vote for the party’s anointed candidate.
The good news is that, if you’re not totally convinced by the end of the process that democracy is a bad idea, there’s a good chance you’ll still be able to vote in the primary election in June — the vote that will really matter.
So, good luck, future delegates! You may need it.
Follow @RobertGehrke