Now that the new nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court has been announced, I guess it’s OK to let you know that I was in the running for the job.
Last month, President Donald Trump called and asked if I would accept. I have no idea how he got my phone number unless the National Security Agency hacked my Mormon ward directory. The conversation was straightforward.
Him • “Bob, I want you for SCOTUS. You’re my totally awesome No. 1 pick for a really, really important job. I asked Putin, but he’s busy. Pack your bags, my friend. You’re coming to SCROTUS (S Crazy Riot of the United States).”
Me • “Bob? Who’s Bob? And who the hell is this?”
Once we got that part figured out, the president told me not to worry about having no legal experience beyond that as a cop. He said lawyers and judges were overrated, and that what the Supreme Court really needed was some average-guy street smarts.
He follows my columns and found them to be spot on when it comes to the current major legal issues. Sarah Huckabee Sanders reads them to him out loud.
It was all very confusing. Even though federal agents disguised as UPS delivery guys were already ringing my doorbell, I told the president that I had to check first with my wife.
Him • “Look, I know you’re Mormon. But isn’t there some rough way to show her that you’re in control?”
Me • “Sir, I don’t know how it works in the White House, but in my house, I’m not in control. We’re a limited partnership, and I only hold 45 percent of the stock.”
The president was disappointed by this admission of weakness, but I’m in love with only one woman, and my job is to stay on her good side.
By then, the “UPS agents” had broken down the door and were throwing my belongings — including 15 pounds of black powder and some medicinal weed — into government shipping containers. One of them asked to borrow the phone.
“Sir, do we really have to take all these bowling balls? He’s got, like, 300 of them.”
It was time to get down to basics. I asked the president if I could explain my positions on the issues. Perhaps he would consider changing his mind.
He reluctantly agreed, but reminded me that having a Supreme Court justice with a Canadian wife would help him, because those people up there have “permanent brain freeze.”
So, here’s why I’m still at The Salt Lake Tribune — where I wanted to stay in the first place.
Immigration • The president wasn’t keen on my idea of creating an exchange program for immigrants. We take everyone who crosses the border and gets a job. Then we kick out all convicted felons, televangelists, telemarketers and Oprah Winfrey.
Guns • Americans should be able to own guns. But this justice would vote to place all gun owners (except law enforcement and active military personnel) on a reservation where anyone who got shot knew the risks well ahead of time. Sonny and I would be neighbors.
Abortion • I’m a guy. I don’t have a uterus. That said, I don’t think much of killing viable human beings unless the mother’s life is at risk. Why is it legal to kill the innocent and yet Navy SEALs can’t partial-birth-abort Kim Jong Un by pulling his head off with a backhoe?
Mandatory government service • I would side with any appeals that required everyone to perform two years of public service upon graduation from high school or reaching age 18. No more sitting around playing video games while trying to figure out what to do with yourself.
Environment • I don’t care what Congress says. We should have a law on the books that would allow us to develop remote colonies for people with more than 25 percent of their faces covered in tattoos.
It was right about this time that President Trump interrupted and asked to speak to one of the “UPS agents.”
POTUS • “Unpack everything. This isn’t our guy.
Agent • “Thank you, sir. He’s crazy. You should see his basement.”