Nice work, Utah. 2019 is nearly over and we’ve held on for another year.
From the mayoral election to port protests, from strong beer to a weak congressman, the news kept all of us on our toes and on edge. But just how closely were you paying attention? See if you can remember all of these events that shaped our year.
In January, Mitt Romney was sworn in as Utah’s junior senator. What item was at the top of his “To Do” list?
A) Dispose of those 83 boxes filled with Orrin Hatch’s holiday CDs.
B) Be grateful that his long nightmare was over and those six months he actually had to live in Utah had finally come to an end.
C) Consternation, condemnation, capitulation. Repeat.
In March, the Utah Legislature scrapped an effort to overhaul the tax code, but a bill was eventually passed in a special session in December. What dynamics helped shape the legislation?
A) Lawmakers were disappointed to discover the new tax on “really good ideas by legislators” was going to generate zero dollars.
B) The tax on lobbyists fell victim to a withering, coordinated lobbying campaign
C) Slashing education funding ensures a future generation of ignorant Utahns, meaning they’ll probably keep voting for them.
Also in March, conservative Republican legislators torpedoed a bill — sponsored by two fellow Republicans — that would ban “conversion therapy,” a debunked practice that attempts to change the sexual orientation of LGBTQ youth. The governor later sought to enact a ban through administrative rule. Why did some lawmakers object to the bill?
A) They had a lot of money tied up in the electroshock industry.
B) To ensure they have a way back in case that night they had in Vegas wasn’t just a one-time thing.
C) They’re horrible humans.
In July, a protest against the inland port erupted into a riot at the Salt Lake Chamber offices. What was the biggest takeaway from the event?
A) Following in the footsteps of Martin Luther King and Gandhi, the best way to overcome oppression is to poop in a lobby.
B) An effective way to communicate your message (and get arrested) is to shove a guy holding a television camera.
C) Despite not getting much practice in the past 50 years, the Salt Lake City police force is still among the nation’s elite when it comes to punching hippies.
In August, Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne was ousted after going public with his romantic relationship with accused Russian spy Maria Butina. What was the most noteworthy aspect of Byrne’s story?
A) Until that point, everyone had assumed Amazon’s Alexa, not Overstock’s Butina, was the spy they had to worry about the most.
B) It was the single most sensible thing Byrne had ever done.
C) People were shocked to learn that Overstock is still a thing.
In late October, the Internal Revenue Service approved The Salt Lake Tribune’s application to be the first legacy newspaper to become a nonprofit. What is the significance of the change?
A) It further distinguishes The Tribune from the Deseret News, whose LDS Church ownership makes it a for-prophet publication.
B) The newspaper’s budget can get a boost from the donations of wealthy Utahns.
C) Gail Miller is just the best isn't she?
In October through December, Rep. Chris Stewart played a prominent role defending President Donald Trump against impeachment. What was Stewart’s biggest contribution to the proceedings?
A) Dispelled the notion that members of Congress are graded on their attendance at hearings.
B) By opening the door for angry Republicans who wanted to protest being excluded from depositions, Stewart found a new calling he was qualified for: A door stop.
C) Revealed that actual intelligence is not a prerequisite to serve on the Intelligence Committee.
On Nov. 1, grocery stores, restaurants and bars began selling beer with a 5% alcohol content, rather than the old 4% content, an increase of 25%. What were the effects of the change?
A) Out-of-state tourists have to work 25% harder to find something to complain about.
B) People at bars suddenly became 25% more “good enough.”
C) Teetotaling Utah legislators became 25% more puckered.
In November, Erin Mendenhall won the Salt Lake City mayor’s race by a convincing margin. Which of the following was NOT among her campaign promises?
A) Use her newfound pull to land a gig as one of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
B) Take a page from the Trump playbook and build a huge, beautiful wall — wrapping all the way around the inland port.
C) To mitigate the health effects of polluted air, impose a schedule for alternate-day breathing.
Also in November, the old Road Home shelter closed, and was replaced with three smaller shelters. Which of these proposed changes was eventually rejected?
A) To encourage people to make the shelters a short-term option, they only provided basic cable.
B) To prevent overcrowding, they built each shelter with just nine beds.
C) Two ominous words: Soylent Green.
Answers: Well done. You pick the right answer most of the time and are now eligible to serve on the House Intelligence Committee.
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