In a first, President Donald Trump will headline the Fourth of July celebration on the National Mall. I don’t get to write the president’s speech, but if I did, it would probably go something like this (bonus points if you spot the stuff he has actually said):
My fellow Americans, it is a distinct privilege and honor to have me address you on this birthday celebration for America.
Last week, I had the great pleasure to meet face-to-face with Korean leader Kim Jong Un, a good friend with great hair and a terrific president. He got 98% of the vote — 98% — a lot of people don’t know that. Tremendously popular. Just 6% less popular than me.
And you heard what everyone said: “You can’t be serious about meeting with him. He’s delusional. He’s unhinged. He’s dangerous and could end up nuking us off the globe.”
But Chairman Kim ignored those people and met with me anyway and he gave me some really, really great ideas about what it takes to be a strong, beloved leader.
One of them was this parade. Think about it. All the great nations throughout history have huge, huge military parades. I was on my weekly Skype call with Putin just the other night and he gave the idea a big thumbs up, said a good military parade with lots of tanks always picks him up when he’s down.
It’s about being a patriot, and I’m as patriotic as they come. When people hear the word “patriot” they think of me and Tom Brady. Watch, I’m going to hug this flag, whether it wants it or not, because that’s how I do things. (Hugs flag) Yeah, you love The Donald, don’t you, flag?
None of this would be possible if it weren’t for the sacrifices of our men and women in uniform, but not so much the transgender ones.
I’m not one of those veterans. Sure, when I was younger, a lot of guys my age were getting drafted to go to Vietnam. Mostly ones who didn’t have a rich dad. I was never a fan of that war, I’ll be honest with you. … It was very far away. Nobody ever heard of that country.
And it wasn’t like I’d be fighting against Nazi Germany, you know, fighting against Hitler. And I think most of us agree, Nazis were very, very bad. The worst. Although I’m sure there were some good. Good and bad, on both sides.
Anyway, like I said, I didn’t go to Vietnam. I had bone spurs. Magnificent bone spurs. The boniest spurs. You should’ve seen them. Fortunately they cleared up right about the time the war ended.
If I had gone, I’ll tell you one thing for sure, I wouldn’t have been captured like John McCain. I prefer war heroes who weren’t captured. But he’s dead now and I beat Crooked Hillary by a mile and now I’m president, and it’s great. Just great for the country.
Today, we also honor some great men, besides me: The Founding Fathers. That’s right. They did so much founding. Found so many things. Think about it. Men like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson and Babe Ruth. And when they told England to get lost, it was like the original Brexit, which, by the way, I helped make happen and I hear it’s going great. I’m kind of a Founding Father in many ways.
They basically created America. A lot of people don’t know that, but it’s true. Before them, there was really nothing here and they started it all and let the Indians move in and had Thanksgiving and that’s how we ended up with Elizabeth Warren. Old Pocahontas, such an awful woman. She’s as bad as Crooked Hillary, who lost, and Low IQ Joe and Kamala-lama-Obama-rama. I made that up just now.
And when I’m in my office at the White House, the same office all those other Founding Fathers once met in, and Stephen Miller is going on and on about his plan to put shock collars on illegals and make them work at Mar-a-Lago, I can’t help but think those great men are looking down on me and are proud to have the greatest president leading the country they invented. I’m sure it’s just what they wanted.
America has had a pretty good run, too, 243 years. If I was married to America, I would have cut it loose for a younger country like 210 years ago. But it’s my home and I still get to visit other countries now and then, so it works out.
Just four years ago, under that last guy, America had stopped being a beacon of freedom and liberty around the world. Today we are beaconing louder and harder than ever. People sometimes ask me, “Hey, could you turn down the beacon a little?” And I say, no way. Because that’s what America does.
It’s why people want to come here, to live free in a cage. And it’s why we’re undefeated in all of the wars — the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, the Infinity War. All of them.
So it’s a pleasure to be here today for this parade in my honor. I sold Yellowstone to pay for it, so I hope you enjoy all the incredible tanks and planes. Next week I’m deploying them all to Iran.
Happy Fourth of July and God bless me and God bless the United States of America.