On Thursday, U.S. Attorney General William Barr will release the 400-page report that was the product of a two-year investigation by special counsel Robert Mueller into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.
So far, all the public knows is what was contained in a four-page memo written by Barr and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein summarizing the findings: Russia did interfere in the election with the intent to help Donald Trump, the Trump campaign did not collude in the interference, and Barr concluded that the president did not illegally obstruct justice.
The more detailed version of the report to be released by the Department of Justice on Thursday is expected to include significant redactions, meant to protect ongoing investigations, intelligence-gathering methods and the identities of sources or individuals not found to be at fault.
But based on my leaks from impeccable sources (i.e. making things up), here’s a sneak preview of some of the bombshells that might end up being in the Mueller report.
• Given how much time they had, I expected fewer typos. For example: The special counsel did not reach a conclusion regarding whether the president “obsucted justips.” That’s just sloppy.
• The entire Russian hacking operation began as a poorly executed attempt to help Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff win “The Apprentice.”
• Even the Russians thought Trump insider Roger Stone was a weirdo and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was a disgusting slob. Attorney General William Barr concurred.
• Chapter 8 of the report appears to consist entirely of a dissection of Vice President Mike Pence’s “Fifty Shades of Grey” fan-fiction. And it’s surprisingly steamy.
• OMG! Ivanka and Jared are actually brother and sister! Gross!
• The last portion of Chapter 2 of the Mueller report details how Russians had done “test-runs” on their interference operations, helping lead to the “conscious uncoupling” of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin and later to guarantee eighth grader Kris Waltz won his election as class secretary.
• President Trump’s repeated tweets that the entire investigation was a witch hunt may have been accurate. Mueller’s team investigated whether Sarah Sanders was responsible for turning CNN’s Jim Acosta into a large toad.
• The entirety of Chapter 7 of the report is merely a photographic list of which Trump adviser is hunkiest? The winner in a landslide was, of course, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross. (Barr reached his own determination, that the sexiest Trumper is Attorney General William Barr.)
• Redacting can be fun!
• Investigators attempted to interview Donald Trump Jr., but he didn’t know anything, including his home address, shoe size, the day of the week, or what product he uses in his hair.
• Appendix F of the Mueller report is actually Mueller’s NCAA March Madness bracket. Mueller had Auburn and Gonzaga in his Final Four, but also had Utah State making it past the first round.
• For some reason, Chapter 12 of the report appears to be a 1970s-era recipe for “Hamburger Chow Mein” made with cream of mushroom soup. The special counsel did not reach any conclusions regarding the recipe. Barr determined it did not rise to the level of delicious.
• The forward to the report was written by Russian President Vladimir Putin.