Kirby: Passing a law is harder than bathing a cat

Making laws is a tough business. Consider, if you will, a bit of legislation I've been working on that would address a major public-safety matter — the unprofessional and unlicensed bathing of cats.

It's long been known that unwary amateurs who attempt to bathe cats are in serious danger of having their eyeballs scratched and their noses lacerated if not bitten off completely.

My bill, KB-02, if passed, would require that only licensed cat bathers perform this service while wearing protective attire — helmets, goggles, gloves and chain mail.

I expect opposition. Whether it's the legalization of medicinal pot, improved highway safety, women's rights regarding abortions, or the safe handling of highly agitated cats, the process is the same.

Essentially, it comes down to crafting legislation that many people oppose from the moment it comes out of your mouth. It's a gantlet of public opinion — of which less than 10 percent actually know what the hell they're talking about.

If by some miracle it makes it through the process of being drafted and submitted, KB-02 is definitely not out of the woods and into the tub yet.

KB-02 is then sent through a series of committees and meetings where it gets hollered about by people who don't like it, including people whose only peeve is the tie you're wearing.

I have heard — but cannot prove conclusively — that there is a secret subcommittee through which all bills must pass. It's conducted in a secret basement room in the Capitol. It's a demonstration of loyalty in which the sponsoring legislator is required (depending on political affiliation) to eat either a live seagull or a big bag of crickets.

Note: I could be wrong about this.

Funding is another important element. For example, best estimates conclude KB-02 would cost taxpayers a mere $1.6 million. Considerable opposition will no doubt come from people who don't think cats are worth a nickel, and what baths they currently get don't last nearly long enough.

If KB-02 passes successfully through the legislative process, it's forwarded to the governor for signing (often under considerable political duress), after which it becomes law.

The problems don't end just because KB-02 is law. It still has to be enforced, often by officers and agents who think they have better things to do than worry about safely performed cat hygiene.

There's still the public's willingness to abide by the new law, and they/we have our own ideas about obedience. Public safety isn't one of them.

Medicinal marijuana is being argued by some as a potential health hazard. We just don't know enough about the dangers. For that reason alone it should remain banned. That's great logic unless it's applied to things that are KNOWN to be dangerous but remain legal — alcohol, guns, cellphones, etc.

I fully expect the public to weigh in on KB-02. All forms of logic are used to support or denounce the new law. Opponents of KB-02 will holler about their rights to bathe their cats any old way they want, never mind scratched eyeballs or accidentally drowned cats. It's a matter of liberty so vital that it's worth the armed occupation of a pet store.

Meanwhile, supporters of KB-02 would argue that if even one eyeball were saved, the law would be worth it in the long run. After all, it would raise taxes by only 77 cents per taxpayer, and don't we have a moral obligation to protect people who don't care about their faces?

No wonder I'll never make it in politics.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.