Kirby: 13 Mormon cocktails for New Year’s Eve

Editor's note • Robert Kirby is on a Martinelli detox. This is a reprint of an earlier column.

It's almost party night. All over Utah, people will be ringing in the New Year with alcohol. There's nothing wrong with that if you're responsible about it.

Everything depends on the level of consumption, which can range from just a few drinks with friends all the way to waking up in the middle of the street and wondering what happened to your pants.

If you tend toward the more moderate end of things and are hosting a party, odds are that you may be celebrating with a few teetotalers. Around here, that's generally interpreted as practicing Mormons.

This, of course, depends on the Mormon. Some Mormons are flexible when it comes to alcohol consumption. Others are not. I don't drink anymore. It's partly because I'm trying to be good (church) and mainly trying not to get hurt (wife).

Still, my wife and I will serve alcohol to those who ask for it at our New Year's gathering. We think it's important to be good hosts. I'm no bartender, but I can probably make a cocktail.

If you're a considerate host, it's important to know how to make all sorts of cocktails, including the Mormon ones. You don't want to be caught unaware when you offer to get someone a drink and they ask for a "suit and tie with a twist."

Translation: caffeine-free diet Coke, straw, lemon wedge.

Other Mormon social drinks include the "Surely Temple" (Sprite and any kind of fruit juice) and "Mud Backslider" (chocolate milk and a graham cracker).

Most Mormon "mocktails" rely on caffeine or sugar for the party buzz. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of either or both to feel it. You may have to rely on straight soda fountain syrup or undiluted fruit juice concentrate.

For what it's worth, here's a list of Mormon mixed drinks that may come up. The good news is that they're inexpensive and easy to make.

Ox in the Mire • Basically a root beer float, but really any soda pop with something frozen added to it. 7-Up and sherbet works.

Blood Atonement • Fruit punch concentrate and a splash of Tabasco Sauce.

Service Project • Any drink containing an actual food item — shredded carrots, fruit cocktail, turnip wedges or even ham chunks.

Scripture Chase • Shot of Red Bull with a liter of Pepsi chaser.

Mission Call • Glass of water.

High Council Toddy • Hot cocoa and Nyquil.

Rise and Shout • BYU-blue raspberry punch and marshmallows.

Home Teacher • Non-alcoholic beverage served at final moments of the party.

Apocalypse • Mountain Dew Code Red and a dozen NoDoz, shaken vigorously.

Jack Mormon • Whatever you got (and please sneak some booze into it).

Have a happy and safe New Year. Even when it's non-alcoholic, please drink responsibly.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.