Kirby: I’m going to England — God save the queen

We leave for England on Thursday. I think we're ready. We've already received an enormous amount of advice on what to see, do, eat and visit while we're "across the pond."

England is a much different country than this one. The customs, language(s), food, and weather will almost certainly seem alien to a couple of rubes from Utah.

People have tried to help us prepare, including people who have actually been to England. One of our friends is from there, though she has lived in America long enough to make herself more or less understood.

Josie comes from a place she pronounces "Nor-itch." It's probably a clue that I need to remember to take allergy meds. However, Nor-itch is in a county pronounced "Norf-uck." I'm not sure what I'll do about that, but I'm nervous.

Other people have also been helpful. The most common advice so far is to take umbrellas. The weather is highly unpredictable in Great Britain. Did you know that water actually falls out of the sky over there? Yeah. They call it "rain."

For a guy from Utah, rain is a concept almost too impossible to imagine. What would we do if it rained here? Maybe grow stuff or put out fires, but what else?

There are many things to see and do in London, including the changing of the guard, Westminster Abbey, Parliament, Buckingham Palace, famous bridges and something called "The Eye."

The London Eye is the second tallest Ferris wheel in Europe, reaching a height of "135 metres," which is the English way of pronouncing "443 feet." Reportedly, it's so tall that some locals get altitude nosebleeds when they ride it.

I don't see what the big deal is. I already live at over 4,000 feet and can see 25 miles at a glance.

One of the places I would like to visit is the Whitechapel district of London, where Jack the Ripper once stalked his victims. The place remains so infamous after 127 years that tourists still flock there for guided tours of the murder sites.

I've heard — or possibly imagined — that the streets of Whitechapel are routinely sluiced with cow blood in order to titillate the tourists. It doesn't surprise me. Nothing draws a crowd like a little blood-letting.

There's plenty of that in English history. My wife wants to visit the Tower of London. It's where King Henry VIII — of Herman's Hermits fame — introduced the concept of an ax into divorce proceedings. When the Pope wouldn't let Hank get rid of his marriage, he got rid of his wife.

Friends who have spent time in London have instructed us about the local customs, almost all of which center around the statement, "Don't be such an American."

Suppose we drop into a quaint English pub for a spot of lunch. If we're accidentally served an eel and kidney pie, we should simply say, "I'm sorry. There seems to be a bit of a mistake."

Under no circumstances should I leap to my feet and shout, "I'm an American! Do you #%@*&s actually want me to bring the full weight of the United States military down on you?"

We will almost certainly see everything that we want to see in the five days we're in London. After that, we head away from the city and look for the real England in the land of my ancestors — Norfolk. Or however you pronounce it.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.