Confession time. Two months ago, I slept with another guy. His name is RJ. We spent the entire night alone in the same bed. Nothing happened.
The night with RJ was the first thing I thought about when I read last week's story about the possible benefits of gang snuggling with total strangers. It completely creeped me out. It sounded like my worst nightmare.
According to the story, strangers/acquaintances meet up to cuddle in a nonsexual way, hoping to lower their stress levels through human touch.
Tiffany Field, founder and researcher at the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami, says nonsexual touch can "reduce stress and blood pressure, improve sleep, and save immune cells to help fight off illness."
Where I come from, trying to cuddle a bunch of strangers has entirely the opposite effect. Nothing will keep you awake longer or completely stress you out quite like being punched in the face.
Maybe that's why there are rules at cuddle parties. Participants — whether an attractive woman or a truck driver — must ask before they can rub someone's back, run fingers through their hair, hold hands, or spoon a bit. If they say "no," you have to respect that and find someone else.
I'm OK with other people having cuddle parties as long as I don't have to go. If someone I didn't know asked to snuggle with me, I'd probably bite them.
It's my fault. I have space issues, none of which permit me to cuddle with anyone other than Mrs. Kirby and our grandchildren.
These boundary issues began when I was young. My mother had four children in 3½ years. My siblings and I lived those early years on top of one another like a litter of puppies. Space was at a premium.
My condition worsened over time. In basic training, my bunk buddy was a large black kid from the Deep South. He hated me at first, but we eventually came to terms.
One rainy night on bivouac, Cunningham suggested we huddle together for warmth in our two-man tent. It sounded like a good idea, but there was a caveat.
"You touch me anywhere ah don't like," Cunningham warned, "an' ah beat your Utah white ass to death."
I stayed awake the entire night. Sure, I was warmer, but also terrified of having the slightest twitch misinterpreted.
There've been more of these less-than-soothing snuggle moments. I once spent a night with my entire squad on a pile of parachutes before a jump. I've been crammed into piles of soldiers, missionaries, kids, etc. I've never gotten used to it.
Back to sleeping with RJ. Ironically, it occurred at my LDS ward's Young Women's girls camp. We were there as volunteer male helpers, beasts of burden, etc.
When it was time for bed, RJ and I were shown to a room with one bed in it. It wasn't a joke. It was either get into the same bed, or choose who got to sleep on concrete.
It took a while, but we grudgingly accepted the situation. RJ was optimistic. He said it was a big bed and we probably wouldn't touch each other at all during the night.
"In case we do," I said, "let me tell you about this one time in the Army."
RJ, who will deploy to Afghanistan/Iraq in a few weeks, said, "Don't bother. I think the same thing happened to me."
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Evana Tuttle makes a heart symbol to emphasize what a great time she had as she takes her turn as each participant describes their experience at the end of "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015. Joe Tuttle is at left, and Tim Longwell at right.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune While Joe Tuttle and Melissa Jones cuddle at left, Hannah Laine and Jeff Cardon are at right during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Facilitator Rick Priddis gets a kiss on the hand from girlfriend Hannah Laine as she thanks him at the end of "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Tim Longwell laughs as he describes his St. Patrick's Day-themed onesie during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015. Doug Roberts is at right.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Joe and Evana Tuttle embrace at the end of "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Hannah Laine pauses to fight off crying as she describes how special the experience was for her. She described in the post-party discussion that she felt very strongly that the healing touch she is able to impart is an important part of the "cuddle party" experience. Cuddle Party is a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Doug Roberts, top and Emily Roberts met during another cuddle party, and now she is expecting. "Cuddle party" is a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Rick Priddis demonstrates that if anyone has any issues or questions, that they just raise their hand and he will help them, while discussing the basic rules and structure of during the beginning of the "cuddle party" he hosts in Lindon, Utah. "Cuddle Party" is a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Facilitator Rick Priddis leads the group in song at the end of "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Rick Priddis laughs while discussing the basic rules and structure of during the beginning of the "cuddle party" he hosts in Lindon, Utah. "Cuddle Party" is a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune One of the first exercises the group did was this "spoon train" during "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Facilitator Rick Priddis has the basic rules of the "Cuddle Party" visible for all to see. He pinter these out while discussing the basic rules and structure of during the beginning of the "cuddle party" he hosts in Lindon, Utah. "Cuddle Party" is a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Jeff Cardon strokes Jenny Evans' hair during the "spoon train" at the beginning stages of the "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Hannah Laine hugs Tim Longwell, who was the fashion hit of the party with his St.Patrick's Day themed onesie. The group started the "cuddle party" event with hugs. Cuddle Party is a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Hannah Laine, center, has her scalp massaged by Evana Tuttle while massaging Tim Longwell's head during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Scott Afrin has his beard stroked by Pam Bradford during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Tim Longwell has his head massaged by Hannah Laine during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Scott Afrin, left, and Doug Roberts, right, hug Pam Bradford as Roberts arrived at the "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Joe Tuttle, left foreground, and Amber Van Dusen massage each other's feet, while Scott Nelsen and Kori Keylon are on the couch during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Pam Bradford and Joe Tuttle during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Tim Longwell, left, Jenny Evans, and Scott Afrin, right during a "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Scott Afrin has his hair stroked by Jenny Evans during during "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Hannah Laine massages Jeff Cardon's head during "cuddle party" - a regular meet-up that happens in Utah, where strangers get together and cuddle in a nonsexual way, Friday, July, 31, 2015.
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