My friends and I were planning on a “quarantini” get-together this weekend, in-person, socially distant and outdoors. One friend had to cancel because her father is on immunosuppressants. Another because his parents had chronic lung problems. And with the uptick in cases in Utah, I was tempted to say, “Yeah, I can’t meet up, even outside, because my parents are 65 and older.”
Who knew that one day we’d be planning our weekends around our parents’ ages and preexisting conditions?
When we looked into our futures, we all probably expected face masks, hoarding, and bingeing 95% of Netflix, but then we got talking about the more surprising aspects of a pandemic.
Here are the top 10 answers about how the pandemic has changed our lives, from a totally formal poll among my friends that will soon be published… um… in The Tribune. In this column.
1. Housekeeping, schmousekeeping
I always said that if I had more time at home, my house would be clean. Turns out that all day at home only means I make more of a mess while I continue to not clean. And I’m not alone. I knew there was a problem when I looked at my mountain of dishes to see a tiny flag staked at the top. I can only assume a couple of ants saw the dishes and then looked at each other and one of them said, “You. Me. Everest.”
2. Fun with face masks
Not only do I get to know what my breath really smells like, I also haven’t had one strange man tell me to smile more. Another friend of mine told me she can now talk to herself at the grocery store and no one knows it’s her. Hey, you do you, girlfriend.
3. Introverts unite. At home. Alone.
As an introvert, I feel like I have a leg up on everyone when it comes to quarantining. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention told us to stay home, and I punched my fist into the palm of my other hand and grunted, “Let’s do this!” I said it to the mirror.
4. Every day is Earth Day
I have been running my car on the same tank of gas since the middle of March. The middle of March. Granted, my car is a hybrid. But still.
5. Every day is Takeout Day
I’m taking all the money I’ve saved on gas and spending it on takeout food. Because I have too much time at home with nothing to do, so when would I find the time to cook?
6. Now I know what my mom considers an apocalyptic gift
My mom gave me a 25-pound bag of potatoes. Half of the time, I live alone, the other half, I have two boys who don’t like potatoes. I have become very creative with the potatoes. Not for cooking, but I’ve attached them together with toothpicks and made a person. Her name is Karen and she is my friend. She’s the reason I order twice as much takeout. Who said you can’t make new friends during quarantine? Shut up Karen, of course you’re irreplaceable.
7. Zoom and gloom
One of my friends is a teacher. Of 6-year-olds. Imagine doing that over Zoom. I probably don’t even have to explain. I assume it would be like corralling a bunch of wild horses… over Zoom.
8. “Because… coronavirus.”
I use the coronavirus to get my younger autistic son to eat healthier. Me: “Here’s an orange.” Him: “Why do I have to eat oranges?” Me (giving him a knowing look): “Coronavirus.” I’m not sure how long that will work.
9. Bad poetry
My son and I were bored one night, so I taught him to write limericks. Here was the best one:
There once was a virus called COVID
Why don’t more words rhyme with COVID
You might get a test
And may have to rest
And now we’re back to rhyming COVID, which is why we probably shouldn’t write limericks about plagues.
10. Won’t you be my neighbor
I’ve never seen more people in my neighborhood out on walks. And everyone seems friendlier, as if quarantining alone makes any interaction, even socially-distant ones, more meaningful. I love it. Mr. Rogers would be proud.
Bonus (and also a sentence that in 2019 I never would have imagined typing): Who knew that this far into 2020, I wouldn’t care so much about murder hornets?
Stay safe as we venture out. Now excuse me while I go watch another episode of “Hoarders.”
Brodi Ashton is a New York Times best-selling author who lives in the Salt Lake City area. She’s also an occasional columnist for The Salt Lake Tribune.