So it turns out the rumors were true. “Real Housewives” is coming to Utah.
Oh. My. God.
We're going to join Orange County, New York City, Atlanta, New Jersey, D.C., Beverly Hills, Miami and Dallas with our very own part of TV's most prolific “reality show” franchise, “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.” And some would take this as a sign that we've arrived.
Sure. We've arrived … in TV hell.
Well, we’ll get there sometime in 2020. Producer/TV host Andy Cohen made the announcement Saturday morning at BravoCon in New York City.
Worse things could happen to Utah. We could have a major earthquake. An outbreak of the plague. A nuclear waste spill on one of our highways.
But, other than nuclear waste, it's difficult to imagine anything more toxic hitting SLC. That's a word that's often associated with the franchise. Who's the most toxic husband on “Real Housewives”? Who's the most toxic wife? What's the most toxic relationship?
The debate goes on endlessly on social media because there are so many candidates.
If you’ve managed to avoid watching all the different incarnations of “Real Housewives,” here’s the deal. The franchise was launched in 2006 because cable channel Bravo couldn’t afford to produce scripted television shows. Instead, the decision was made to rip off … er, uh, take inspiration from ABC’s hit “Desperate Housewives” and do a reality version. Because that way Bravo didn’t have to hire expensive actors and expensive writers.
Instead, Bravo could hire unknowns desperate to be on TV and cheap writers. Yes, writers. Because, c'mon, “Real Housewives” is to documentary television what WWE is to sports. We all know it's not altogether real.
The best way to sum it up is … wealthy women for whom consumerism and avarice are a way of life backstab, confront, scream at and insult each other. All for our entertainment.
The women tend to be under the impression that money equals class. They prove that wrong on a regular basis.
I've dealt with a few of them over the years. Interviewing the housewives is challenging because their egos suck all the oxygen out of the room. And their lack of self-awareness is staggering.
I'll never be able to forget the time cast members from “Real Housewives of Atlanta” told me that they consider themselves role models. That was downright scary, given that they modeled spitefulness and vindictiveness.
If this sounds like an exaggeration, just check out Bravo’s own description for the upcoming “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City." Here’s what they released:
"With Hollywood’s exclusive Sundance Film Festival in their backyards, these Type-A power-brokers are accustomed to rubbing elbows with A-listers and what party list you are on means everything. They have mastered running wildly successful enterprises by day and enjoy après ski at the finest resorts by night, all the while raising extraordinary and unconventional families.
"Here perfection is not an aspiration, it’s a mandate. They hold themselves and each other to an extremely high standard and never hold back when things go sideways, but lord knows they are always there for each other when they need it most."
The Salt Lake housewives aren't going to be making funeral potatoes to help out the local Relief Society president. Although it will be interesting to see if any of them are Latter-day Saints.
If the previous “Real Housewives” incarnations are any indication, sure, the Salt Lakers will “be there for each other” — they’ll be there to pile on and make things worse. Bravo doesn’t make these shows to highlight selfless women who devote their lives to volunteer work and are the best of friends — they’re making soap opera. And show me a soap opera — show me a “Real Housewives” that isn’t just loaded with bad behavior.
Oh. My. God.