One of my friends is having a ‘dry February’ where he’s not drinking and not on social media. As a way to show my support for this brave endeavor, I told him I would be his sober companion, in that he could be my month-long designated driver and I would hang out with him.
It got me thinking about other companions we could use at those critical times when we need a good friend to show support or stop an action that we’d rather regret. You know, like mixing drinking with Instagram or an ill-time text.
This is the person who would prevent you from sending a text to your exes while inebriated.
Here are the worst of the drunk texts some of my friends told me about:
I’m so glad you’re out of my life! Please take me back.
I’m not drunk. You’re drunk! Now, where am I?
I can’t wait to wake up next to you. This was a text my friend accidentally sent to his mom.
Salt Lake face with a Kentucky booty. Again, sent to his mom.
I can’t believe what a jerk he is! Why can’t I find a real man that just understands?? A text accidentally sent to the aforementioned “jerk.”
Here’s one my friend received: I will always love you. You are the love of my life. You manipulative b$&%@.
and one an anonymous friend sent:
You gave the hat I knit you to your girlfriend?? You are a TERRIBLE person!
My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.
This person would shadow you while you shop, and when you reach for the potato chips, would put a kind hand on your shoulder and shake their head and guide you toward the kale chips.
I could definitely use one of these, since I’m declaring February my “Month of health.” (I know, the title is lacking in creativity.)
But my worry is that this companion will, at some time, say, “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Because then I would instruct my “bodyguard companion” to swing away and draw blood.
Lost things companion
If you ask anyone around me, they’ll confirm I’m constantly losing things. My keys, my phone, my mind. I once lost my salt shaker. Found it later in my medicine cabinet.
My friend lost his keys for a day. They were in his fridge. Naturally.
And speaking of fridges…
That’s kinda specific, but I could really use one of these. The other day, I had guests over to celebrate the birthday of a friend. I provided a pitcher of water.. One of my friends commented, saying he was pleasantly surprised that I’d provided “cucumber” water. I had no idea what he was talking about.
Until I found some… um… beyond-the-‘eat-by’-date cucumbers in the fridge. The aroma had somehow made its way into my fridge water.
I am not proud of this. Except that if I’m going to have rotting food, I’m glad it was something that made my water taste like I was hoity toity. Better than “moldy cheese” water.
But mostly, I would want:
Cheerleading rock band companion
This would be several people following you around, playing optimistic music as the backdrop of your life.
Like, if I do the dishes, the band breaks out in a complimentary anthem. “Go Brodi, go Brodi, you’re killing it, and we’re feeling it! You got this, and you bought this!”
And then they would go buy my groceries for the week, with the help of the diet companion.
What are some companions you would like in your life?
Brodi Ashton is a New York Times best-selling author who lives in the Salt Lake City area. She’s also an occasional columnist for The Salt Lake Tribune.