When the Utah Hockey Club recently announced that it was officially becoming the Utah Mammoth, the team wasn’t just deciding on a new logo for the front of its sweaters; it was deciding on a new identity for Salt Lake City. And the identity they’ve chosen, a wintry behemoth that strikes fear in the heart of its enemies, is a breath of fresh air for a city whose only previous representation on the national sports stage was “the concept of jazz music.”
In just over a year of existence, this Utah hockey team has given us something the Jazz haven’t been able to, and I don’t just mean a decent draft lottery pick or a team with playoff hopes in the next decade. I mean that we finally have an intimidating mascot.
To be clear, I love the Utah Jazz’s name. But it’s only cool when the team is playing with jazz-like ease and style, like Miles Davis hitting the notes you don’t play. Lately, it’s been more about the points you don’t score.
Things are different with the Mammoth. The name was not only created with our city in mind, but it’s also objectively intimidating. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that the Mammoth is now the strongest mascot in the NHL. In a head-to-head matchup, no other NHL mascot could defeat it in a fight, and I’m going to tell you why.
Clarifier: When I say mascot, I mean the anthropomorphic representation of the team’s name, not the cheerleader in a fur suit at the games. For example, the Toronto Maple Leafs’ mascot is Carlton the Bear, but their team name is the Maple Leafs. A bear might give a mammoth some trouble, but Toronto has chosen to be represented by Maple Leafs, so the Mammoth would fight a pile of leaves.
Let’s get the easy ones out of the way: The Leafs, Penguins and Ducks are not beating the Mammoth. And yes, there’s the tricky bit that our team is the singular Mammoth, not Mammoths. But I’m confident in saying that no matter how many ducks, leaves or penguins you throw at a mammoth, it’s coming out on top.
Sticking with the animals: The Mammoth’s fellow beasts are probably its biggest competition. The Bruins, the Panthers and the Predators would all give the Mammoth a run for its money, but none of these animals hunt in groups, so I’m sticking with our guy. I’m not exactly sure which animals the Wild would choose as its fighters, but mammoths survived in the wild for thousands of years, so there’s no concern there. The Sabres could have been a tough fight if they were named for saber-toothed tigers and not tiny swords, but alas.
Moving on. At first glance the Mammoth is the favorite against all human opponents, but early humans had a long history of hunting our hulking hero, which is why it’s important to separate our human mascots into categories.
First are the regular people. Your average group of Canadiens, Kings, Canucks or Islanders is going to lose to a Mammoth. And with all due respect to law enforcement, I doubt most Rangers have an effective mammoth protocol in place. I’m also lumping the Stars in here, because it’s easier (and more fun) to imagine a red carpet full of celebrities entering the ring than a gargantuan ball of flaming gas. And the Stars are just like us — easily destroyed by a mammoth.
The Capitals and Senators present an interesting dilemma: Ordinarily a Senator or the District of Columbia wouldn’t be too intimidating, but the last few months have changed that perception. Fortunately, these Senators are from Canada, and the Capitals just laid off their entire Department for Mammoth Regulation and Defense.
The warrior-based mascots are a tougher fight. The Blue Jackets, Golden Knights and Blackhawks are all battle-hardened and ready to team up on our lone Mammoth. I think weapons are a bit of an unfair advantage, though; the mammoth is only fighting with its own body, after all. Here, we’ll defer to the rules of those “100 men vs. one gorilla” TikToks. Just like you and your boys aren’t taking that gorilla, the Mammoth isn’t losing here.
The Mammoth’s next group of opponents are the ambiguous sky-bound mascots. Pick anything you want with Red Wings — it’s losing to the Mammoth. I don’t know what a Flyer is, so they automatically lose. (Thankfully the Mammoth won’t be fighting Gritty, who’s a total wildcard.) Lastly, the Jets have not specified that there are humans there to fly the Jets, so the Mammoth wins on a technicality.
Weather events now enter the ring. It’s tricky, but I think a Mammoth would hold its own against the winds of a Hurricane, and odds are in the Mammoth’s favor to avoid a Lightning strike. And the Avalanche is an easy win, because this is a Utah Mammoth, and it never enters the backcountry without avalanche safety gear and responsible ski-touring partners.
You might think that aquatic mascots would easily defeat the Mammoth, but you’d be wrong. Evidence suggests that mammoths were strong swimmers, and according to the definitive text on mammoths — “Ice Age 2” — a swimming mammoth could defeat a group of sea creatures in a fight. Sorry, Sharks.
The teams I’m most worried about are as follows: the Flames, who would melt our icy climate; the Blues, because even mammoths get sad sometimes; the Devils, who would intimidate our devout Utah Mammoth; the Oilers, who would give the Mammoth an existential crisis upon learning that it would become fossil fuel someday; and the Kraken, because it is a Kraken.
But being a fan is all about believing in your team no matter what, so I choose to believe that the Mammoth would overcome its fears and pull out a gritty win against all opponents. Why am I so confident? Because, just to get here, the Mammoth had to defeat a Yeti, some Outlaws and a host of other extremely forgettable creatures. Iron sharpens iron, and these other NHL mascots haven’t been through what the Mammoth has.
It’s time to prepare for the second Ice Age, and I’m not just talking about the one I queued up on Netflix. It’s time for the NHL to embrace the era of the Mammoth.
(Photo courtesy of Brian Higgins) Brian Higgins
Brian Higgins is a writer and comedian in Salt Lake City.
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